


Choices

by blackchaps



Series: Accidents [8]
Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:25:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps
Summary: Events twirl Toby in new directions, but he knows one thing. He just wishes Elliot felt the same.





	Choices

******

Stabler didn't get out of the car until she was close. He knew she'd be shocked, but he hadn't figured on having to catch her. He made it, but it was a near thing.

"Sister!" Stabler patted her face gently. Her big eyes focused on him, and her mouth dropped open. Nothing came out. Stabler spoke softly. "My name is Elliot Stabler. Chris Keller is dead. Trust me."

"What?" She held onto him. He opened his car door and sat her down on the seat. Kneeling close to her, he waited for some sign that she was thinking again. She mumbled, "Chris?"

"No. Stabler." Stabler pulled out his badge and handed it over. This might have been the crappiest idea of his entire life. She took it, stared at it, and finally seemed to wake up. Stabler handed her the remnants of his coffee, and she drank it instantly.

"Sister Pete! Are you okay?" someone shouted.

Stabler didn't take his eyes off her. He didn't want her to fall on her face. She stood, shakily, and shouted, "Yes! I'm going to lunch with a friend!"

"You're sure?"

"Yes!" She got back in the car and scooted over. "Take me to lunch. Now. Far away from here."

Stabler got in and started the car. He wasn't going to kick up a fuss. "No scar. See?" He showed her his forehead.

"I see." She didn't sound sure. Stabler found the closest restaurant and stopped the car. He helped her out, and they didn't speak again until they had a table and she downed a glass of water. It was as if she was coming up for air. "Let me see your shoulder."

Stabler reached and patted her hand. "I have the same tattoo, or so Beecher says, but I'm a detective for Manhattan Special Victims Unit."

"You're a cop." She rubbed her eyes as if to banish the sight of him.

"Didn't Beecher tell you about me?" Stabler thought Beecher must have. "In any of his emails? During his visit?"

"Not a word. He said he was helping out the police with an odd case here and there, but trust me, he didn't say a word about this! I'd have fallen over."

"You did that already." Stabler pushed his water at her. "Don't do it again, Sister."

"I won't, but wait, you know Toby?" She took another drink.

Stabler nodded. It was a good thing he had the day off, because he had a lot to tell her. Ask her. "Toby Beecher and I are roommates."

"Oh. My. God." She crossed herself. "He found you again. He couldn't live without you, and somehow, he managed it. My good God."

Stabler took a deep breath. "Sister. Please. Let me tell you the story."

"I am all ears, Detective." She shook her head. "My God."

Stabler settled in to tell the story in bits and pieces. It was obvious that he'd come to the right place to learn about Beecher, but how much she'd tell was another thing entirely. It was a good thing that he was used to getting information from people.

********

Toby worked with Maria on the bills until he couldn't see straight. It was definitely a tight month, but he'd make it. He played with her son while she dashed downstairs to see the furnace man. Playing with small children was much more fun than bills. When she came back up, he grabbed the checkbook and gave his excuses. She laughed and waved him away.

"Send Elliot to finish the painting."

"What's left?" Toby felt a little insulted that she hadn't asked him to paint, not that he could. He'd suck at it.

"Well, only the laundry room, but it could wait, if he's busy." She smiled. "I like him."

"Me too, even if he is a cop. Okay. I'm gone. Later." He dashed upstairs before she found work for him to do. Grabbing a water from the fridge, he sat down to play with his new computer. He'd send Sister Pete an email and find out what was going on in Oz.

********

"You're his parole officer, and he has to live with you, and you set it up that way?" She sounded incredulous.

"Let's say I pushed events that direction. Toby needed help staying sober. Johnson had set him back on the road to Oz out of spite, and Natalini wasn't the right fit." Stabler spread his hands. Lunch was long gone. "I wanted to help him."

"Help? Or take to bed?"

Stabler nearly fell over dead. "Sister!"

"I work in a prison, Elliot." Sister Pete glared at him. "Be honest with yourself. You did it for yourself as much as him."

"Why would you even think that?" He had to know.

She looked down at her folded hands and then up into his eyes. "I can hear the love in your voice. You care for him. I don't know why. You shouldn't. Nothing good will come of it."

Stabler pushed away some white, hot anger at those words. "You're his friend?"

"Yes." Sister Pete nodded. "But Toby and I never saw eye to eye on his obsessive need to love Chris Keller. I find it difficult to believe that Toby can separate you from him. I can't!"

"I'm not Keller." Stabler leaned back. Maybe this had been a bad idea. "Toby and I became friends after I got him sent back to Oz. We genuinely like each other. I think."

"I'm sure he loves you." Sister Pete seemed sad. "How could he not? Elliot, you'll only hurt him."

Stabler believed that. "I can give him a hundred excuses for liking me, but why do I like him? Please, Sister. Help me understand."

"He needs you. He probably watches your every movement. I'm sure he cooks and cleans, and you're lonely for your wife." She tapped his wedding band. "Toby is easy. Do you really care about him, as a person? Or is it all about you?"

"Damn." Stabler understood now why this older woman was qualified to deal with the skels in Oz. "I thought I liked him."

 

"I'm sure you do. Who wouldn't like someone that is devoted to them? Have you hit him yet? And did he excuse it away?" Sister Pete frowned. "I begged him to move home to his mother. Now it's far too late for that bit of sanity."

"Toby didn't want that." Stabler avoided the hitting question. He would never hit Beecher again, not for any reason. "Toby wanted his own life."

"And does he have it? Or does he do your laundry all day?" Her eyes were sharp and her voice could slice salami. "You seem like an honest man. Be honest with yourself. Why do you care for him?"

Stabler had hoped that she'd explain it to him. He could see that she thought he was using the situation to make his life easier. Maybe he had. He shifted the topic. "I know he can be dangerous."

"Do you? I hope you do, for your sake. Oz makes men brutal, if they survive. Toby survived. Don't forget it. Schillinger is dead, but not Toby." She sighed deeply. "I have to get back. I'm sorry I can't sprinkle you with fairy dust and make it all happy."

"I've never met a nun like you." Stabler had paid the bill earlier with his credit card. "I'm not Chris Keller."

Sister Pete slid out of the booth and waited for him. "I believe you had good intentions."

"And they pave the road to hell."

"Exactly."

********

Toby left the mail for Stabler to get when he got back from work, if that was where he was at. Stabler didn't leave notes or messages. He left. Toby tried never to think about it. He was usually successful. If Stabler was at work, it could mean the weekend would be postponed. Toby hoped not. Around five, he started a simple meal. He was hungry, and he wanted to lift weights after dinner.

The news was over but dinner wasn't quite finished when the door pushed open. Stabler was in a suit. He'd been at work, and he had a strange expression on his face. "Do I smell food?"

"I cooked. You want some?" Toby never knew whether Stabler had eaten, and honestly, that was one thing that he didn't worry about. "It's still hot."

Stabler stared at him. "You cooked for me?"

"Fuck no. I was hungry." Toby snorted. "I'm not your bitch, remember?"

"You say that, but you cook and clean."

"Grandma does most of the cleaning, and I like to eat! Fine. None for you." Toby finished his plate. He felt like throwing it out the window. "Go get a burger, asshole."

Stabler caught him by the arm in a gentle hold. "You talk tough. Is it true?"

Toby stared down at the hand. He didn't want to be angry tonight, and he didn't want Stabler hitting him again. "Elliot, what's this all about?"

Stabler sat down on a barstool. He loosened his tie and slowly tugged it off. "I met Sister Peter Marie Reimondo today for lunch."

Toby's guts wrenched and it felt as they were being pulled from his body. He'd rather face the hole than the conversation that was coming at him. His knees shook and he wondered if he'd fall down. "Can I just report to Oz? I'll take the train. It'll make this easier. I'll go peaceably. I swear, Officer."

"That is not funny." Stabler got a plate and filled it. He found a fork, sat down, and started to eat. "Thanks for dinner."

Toby nodded and sat down in the chair by the window. He stared out at the darkness and waited to hear all the bad news. Sister Pete wouldn't pull any punches, and she knew him from the ground up, every rotten floorboard and broken window. Stabler should have met her before he signed on for five years. Toby rubbed his eye gently and knew she'd told Stabler to run for his life, and he listened to nuns.

"You look somewhere between horrified and terrified." Stabler pointed his fork at him. "I can't believe she has this effect on you."

"Believe it." Toby felt as if he should confess his many sins and get it over with. "Now that you know her truths, I'm in deep shit."

"She accused me of some ugly things also." Stabler nodded, as if to make sure he believed it. "Some of them might be true."

Toby wanted to puke. He shouldn't have eaten. "Did she faint?"

"Yes." Stabler sighed. "I caught her. She's okay."

"She's rattled down to the bottom of her soul. I bet she's praying right now. Praying that Chris is really dead and not messing with her again." Toby wanted to jump out the window. It was ridiculous to let a tiny nun do this to him, but she knew where all the bodies were buried, or she thought she knew, and she had the power to destroy his life. Destroy it. She'd helped destroy Chris. Toby had forgiven her, and now she was going to take Stabler away. Thank God she couldn't take away his children or family.

"I felt like I should talk to her. She knows you, and we have five years ahead of us."

Toby didn't look at him. Stabler had been looking for answers, but he'd gone in the wrong direction to find them. It was no use being angry with him. Toby looked down at his clenched hands and forced them open. He smoothed his palms down his thighs. He'd gone nearly four years without talking to her. He should have stayed with that plan. His forgiveness wasn't going to come cheap. There was always a price to be paid. She'd do what she thought was best, again, and it would have terrible consequences for him.

"Say something. You're freaking me out."

Toby glanced over at him. Stabler was cleaning up, starting the dishwasher. Toby had no idea what to say. Words failed him. He stood and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "It doesn't matter what I say."

Stabler popped open a beer. "She's not like any nun I've ever met, and I don't think she liked me."

"You look like Chris. It would be enough." Toby didn't know what to do so he went to his bedroom and sat on the futon. He'd lift weights in another hour, after dinner settled. There was no way to explain it all to someone like Stabler, and there was no way he could understand. Prison twisted people, and Sister Pete hadn't been immune. She had made mistakes, whether she admitted them or not. Toby shut his eyes. He had to focus on the positive things in his life. The situation with Angus was going to work out. Uncle Shaun would back off. His kids were doing well, and he was sober. It was more than he'd had in years. He had to be grateful.

"We going to lift?"

"I had planned on it." Toby touched his forehead. No vein. He wasn't angry and he didn't look it. The best way to deal with this was not to deal with it until he was forced. If Stabler kicked him to Oz, he'd go. "I bought a bike today."

"That one in the lobby?"

"Yes. I probably should have asked." Toby hoped he didn't sound like a pussy. He felt like one, but that was normal. "I promise not to kill anyone."

Stabler just looked at him. "Don't kill yourself." He went out, and Toby heard Stabler's bedroom door shut. The suit was coming off. Toby pushed his mind away from visualizing what was underneath it. Sister Pete had made sure that wasn't going to happen. Guilt and a healthy dose of Catholicism could overcome lust any day. Stabler hadn't stood a chance. Toby got up slowly and shucked off his jeans. He folded them neatly, put them on a shelf, and grabbed some sweats. Hesitating over his shirt, he peeled it off and folded it. Fuck it. It was his bedroom. His weight set. He didn't have to wear a shirt, but his shrink would say he was being passive aggressive. Shit. He put one on.

"Ready?"

Toby didn't look, but he nodded. If he had any balls, he'd kick Stabler out first before everything came crashing down. "When are you taking me tomorrow?"

Stabler shrugged. "Whenever you want. You ain't riding your shiny, new bicycle."

Toby bristled but throttled it down. He wasn't going to lash out. Tomorrow he'd get a break from this situation and when he came back on Sunday, things might look different.

********

Stabler wiped the sweat off with his towel. He kept hoping Beecher would say something, instead of looking like he needed a drink. Sister Pete still carried a lot of weight with him. Her words banged through Stabler again. Had he ever liked Beecher? Or was it all about the TV, the weight set, and the blue eyes that promised comfort in the night? Benson had mentioned it once. At first, he'd disliked him for any number of reasons, but mainly because Beecher had killed a little girl, and then he'd had issues with the smart mouth and occasional smirk.

"Are you going to stand there or help me out?"

Stabler took the weight off Beecher's shoulders. "That's enough." He racked the weights. Beecher didn't say anything. He wouldn't. He was scared. It was all over his face. What was he scared of losing? His freedom? Stabler wanted to reassure him.

"Beech, I spent a little time chatting with your old shrink. Don't worry so much."

Beecher leaned over and rubbed his knee. "I know she told you to ship me back and count yourself lucky to be rid of me. Oh, I'm sorry. She wouldn't come out and say it that honestly. She implied that you'd made a huge mistake, and that you shouldn't care, and if you did it was because I cook for you! And God knows, I'm your love slave because you look like Chris!"

Stabler took a step back. That was too accurate. "She says that she's your friend."

"She is." Beecher slipped past him and went out the door. Stabler went to the bathroom and washed his hands before going out to grab a drink. His friends didn't talk like that about him. Or if they did, he didn't know about it. He clicked on the TV and sat down to watch. Beecher was staring out the window at the park. He did a lot of that.

"Love slave?" Stabler had to laugh about it. "Toby, why don't you go to Starbucks, flirt with that guy who's young enough to be your son, and calm down?"

"Good fucking idea." Beecher loaded his pockets and left fast. He didn't slam the door on his way out, but Stabler thought it was an oversight. Stabler sighed and sipped his beer. She had said all those things. Beecher knew her pretty well. It made Stabler question what was the truth again. He was good at finding out dirty, little secrets and Oz was a cesspool. Sister Peter Marie was right about one thing. Beecher had survived. It might have cost him a chunk of his soul, but he was living and breathing. Stabler shut off the TV, grabbed his wallet, and headed for Starbucks. He wasn't going to give up until he knew enough of the truth to sleep well at night.

********

Toby sipped his latte and checked his email.

_Toby,_

_You're officially the best big brother in the world._

_Angus_

Toby laughed softly. He had done something right for a change. It was a fucking surprise. Ever since he'd refused to go to AA, things had been pretty shitty. He hit the reply button.

_Angus,_

_Damn, you're easy to please. Stabler is bringing me tomorrow. I don't know when._

_Toby_

He hit send and scrolled through the rest of his messages. There it was. Sister Pete. Reluctantly, he opened it.

_Toby,_

_Why didn't you tell me? You know you have to do the right thing for Detective Stabler. You can't destroy him in a misguided attempt to bring Chris back. Please, Toby. Let him go. Don't let him become another casualty._

_Sister Pete_

Toby nearly deleted it, and he nearly threw his coffee across the room, but a big body sitting down extremely close jarred him back. "What the fuck?"

Stabler turned the laptop and shamelessly read the email. Toby wanted to hit him, jerk it away, and cry, all at the same time. Their blue eyes met. Stabler read it again. "I got here just in time for the good stuff."

Toby edged away and pulled the computer back. "She's being overly dramatic."

"Another casualty? How many have died?" Stabler's eyes were intense.

"I'd hate to throw out a rough estimate, but too damn many. And she thinks that I killed Chris." Toby drank some latte, even though it tasted like ashes in his mouth. "Huang thought I'd kill you, remember?"

"I remember." Stabler shrugged. "You didn't kill Keller. You're not big enough to have thrown him over the rail. What does she really mean?"

Toby nodded in agreement. At least someone believed him. "I didn't kill him. I tried to hold him back, but it didn't matter. She has two opinions: I drove Keller to kill himself with my obsessive behavior, or I killed him in a rage. She's not sure which, but either way, I killed him."

"Is his death on your soul?"

"Oh, yeah." Toby hoped he didn't cry. "In the end, that's all that matters. After Chris died, I understood what he'd been trying to tell me. The only reason I'm sitting here in this coffee shop is because of him. She never understood. She couldn't. She's a woman."

"Women do see things differently." Stabler fiddled with his coffee. He liked it black. Starbucks was wasted on him. "You think that if I know all the things you did in Oz that I'll hate you, and even worse, send you back without blinking."

"That is the truth." Toby closed the browser window. He'd fuck with it later. "She could destroy me, and she might in an attempt to save you."

"Toby, I've done a few things that would make you run out that door," Stabler leaned close and whispered the words. "I'm no choirboy. Touch your face and let the pain remind you. I'm not afraid of your truth."

"You should be." Toby shook his head. "You're a fucking Boy Scout compared to me."

"Right." Stabler smiled, and it sent a chill down Toby's spine. Toby wasn't going to ask any more questions. He had seen the potential for violence that raged in Stabler's soul, and he didn't want to know what Stabler had done. Toby picked up his coffee and started to leave. Stabler was right behind him, and they headed for the park. Stabler waited until they were alone. "I think we should agree not to discuss this again."

"The truth or the hidden truths?" Toby headed for a bench. His knee hurt, and he sat down to rub it.

"The hidden ones. Neither of us are saints. We've done some things that should stay in the past. Sister Peter Marie accused me of wanting to get in bed with you and setting it up so I could."

Toby dropped his coffee. It hit the ground and rolled away, slowly leaking out the lid. Stabler leaned over and scooped it up. He put it on the bench and grinned. Fucker. Toby felt like he was being played. Any answer would be a wrong one. "I bet she shocked you right out of your Catholic shorts."

"Yes. She did, and I can only hope she's not right." Stabler sat down a small distance away. "You tell me why I want you."

Toby clenched his jaw. Stabler was still looking for an answer to his 'problem.' The problem being that he wanted to have sex with a man. Toby asked, "What did Sister Pete say?"

"That I'm lonely, and you're easy."

Toby picked up the coffee and threw it. It smashed into a tree and expensive coffee splattered everywhere. It wasn't the words that angered him; it was her assumption that neither of them was competent enough to think past the obvious. "I am easy. You are lonely. Big fucking deal! I'm still capable of rational thought!"

"So am I. Usually." Stabler pointed at the cup. "Don't make me arrest you for littering."

Toby sat back down and pushed hard against his sore face. The pain helped him make up his mind. "I say we forget it. It's not like you're begging for it, and I can live without it."

"Don't hurt yourself." Stabler pulled Toby's hand away from his face. "I agree. Let's not. You're too vulnerable, and I'm not sure I can live with the consequences. Okay?"

Toby wished he could breathe. It was the right decision, but it hurt. It hurt. He wished Stabler would chase him, grab him, and truly desire him. The hesitation was painful, and it meant that he needed to back off. "Okay. But none of this halfway stuff. I'm going to date whoever I want, and you're staying out of my room at night."

It was dark in the park, but it didn't stop Toby from seeing the hard look that came over Stabler's face. Stabler didn't want him, but just like Chris, it meant that no one else could have him. Toby went to throw his cup in the trash. A second look at Stabler confirmed it. Toby wouldn't be dating anyone. Possession was nine-tenths of the law, and he belonged to Stabler, for five years. Or was it forever?

*********

Stabler bit the inside of his lip. That's what it all came down to in the end. He could stake his claim on a piece of Beecher or he could forget it. They could be friends for a few years, or they could be something else. Hell if he knew what. The consequences could be terrible. He might push Beecher off the wagon. He might lose the respect of his co-workers, if they found out.

Beecher put his hands in his pockets. "I'm going home."

Stabler caught up with him. No matter what the nun had said, he did like Beecher. It wasn't about cooking or cleaning, and there was no way in hell Beecher would do the laundry. That was laughable. "I did check you out when you wore those leather pants."

"I thought so!" Beecher gave him a gentle shove. "And admit it, you were jealous."

"I wasn't happy. I'll go that far." Stabler relaxed for the first time that day. "It ain't easy for me to say it."

"No shit. Let me entertain you with what happened to me after I told Chris that I loved him."

Stabler wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. "If you gotta."

"He arranged to be sent to the hole. I stayed drunk until he got out. He promptly pushed me on my ass and told me to fuck off." Beecher could have been talking about auto repairs. He wasn't emotionally invested. "I stayed drunk until finally he and Vern broke my arms and legs."

"What's the lesson here?" Stabler didn't put his arm around him, but he wanted to.

"Love hurts." Beecher snickered.

"That's awful." Stabler laughed though. He opened the door for them. "Nice bike."

"I felt guilty for putting it on the credit card." Beecher looked at his shoes. "But it was worth it when Angus was surprised to see me."

Stabler wanted to hear about that, and it forced him to realize that he not only cared about Beecher, but his family. He'd been stupid to think that one conversation with Sister Pete could give him the answers he needed. She didn't know him, and she didn't understand what was going on between them. His shrink was right. Instead of looking for answers, he needed to shut up and listen to what he wanted. He deserved something for himself just once.

*********

Toby headed for bed. He wasn't tired, but he was confused enough that he wanted to stare at his walls. They were going to be friends, just friends, but he couldn't date.

"Did you buy some condoms?"

Toby whipped around. That was too cruel. "Don't you fuck with me, Stabler. I will kick your ass."

"You can try." Stabler sat on the couch and turned on the TV. "Did you notice I was a detective?"

"Yeah." Toby felt his level of confusion go even higher.

"Little things stick with me and then suddenly I get them." Stabler grinned at him and pointed at the cane that was leaning in the corner.

Toby looked at it. He'd put it there not long after he'd moved in. Maria had found it under a pile of clothes. Toby turned back. He didn't carry it anymore. "So?"

"There's a shank in it."

Toby didn't smile. "I told you there was. Your deductive reasoning astounds me. Gee, you should be a detective."

Stabler still smiled. "It's wood, not metal. That's what fooled me."

Toby picked up the cane, twisted the head, and pulled out the shank. "Why are we talking about this?"

"I guess the cane is like you. You're willing to help a man, but inside there's danger." Stabler turned up the volume. "I'm gonna watch Leno."

"You do that." Toby pushed the cane back together and tossed it to him. Stabler caught it effortlessly. Toby quit trying to understand. He shut his bedroom door and sat on the futon. Rubbing his head, he could only hope that this day was over.

*********

Stabler turned off Leno after the monologue and went to Beecher's bedroom. If he were smart, he'd leave it alone, but he wasn't feeling smart. He knocked though.

"What?"

Stabler pushed open the door. "Which would you prefer?"

"What the hell is up with you?" Beecher tossed his book aside.

"Would you prefer we don't, or would you like to go fool around?" Stabler crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway. "If you say no, you can date whoever you want."

"Right. Until you kill me." Beecher laced his hands behind his head. "Spell out for me exactly what it will entail and use dirty words."

Stabler shook his head. There was no way that he was doing that. "Take your chances."

"If we do this, are you going to stalk me? I'd like to know now." Beecher tugged off his shirt and let it drop on the floor.

"No. On Monday, I'm going back to work. It may be days before you see me again."

"You hope." Beecher smirked, stood, and stretched. "Not tonight. Maybe Sunday. Maybe. I'm tired."

"You're doing this because she said you were easy." Stabler knew it was the truth.

Beecher shrugged. "Maybe you're just lonely and don't care who warms your bed."

Stabler didn't like that smirk or the smart mouth, but he could agree that they should think about it. "Tell me about Angus. Is he okay?"

Beecher sat down on the weight bench, and Stabler took that as an invitation to take a spot on the futon. "Uncle Shaun, Dad's brother, has been trying to push him down the ladder. What with the firings and the client shakeup, things have been in transition. Our dearest uncle smelled an opportunity."

"He is alive, right?"

Beecher grinned. It was always alarming. "Of course. Uncle Shaun is a good lawyer, but everyone in the family hates him."

"My spidey senses are tingling." Stabler smelled a crime.

"Was that a good movie?" Beecher cocked his head to the side. "I've wanted to rent it."

"I liked it. Dickie did too." Stabler made a motion with his hands. "Go on."

"My Aunt Jenny, Uncle Shaun's wife, disappeared almost twenty years ago." Beecher frowned now. "She was also my mother's first cousin."

Stabler leaned forward. "Uncle Shaun killed her."

"There is absolutely no proof of any wrongdoing. None. She vanished without a trace. The only other person to see her that night was an extremely drunk young intern." Beecher's eyes burned hot blue. "His blood alcohol level was way past the legal limit."

"You saw it happen. No one believed you." Stabler could see the case in his mind. "Is it a cold case?"

"How can I know? She was wealthy. She ran off with the pool boy, who also disappeared." Beecher rubbed his face. "Today, I reminded Uncle Shaun that I knew the truth, and he sure as hell better back off my brother."

"Does Angus know?"

"He was too young. They kept it from him." Beecher scratched his chest and sighed. "I'm not going to bring it up now, and neither is my mother. What matters is that we keep dear uncle on a leash. These last years he's gotten cocky."

"Since your dad died."

"Right." Beecher nodded.

"There's nothing you could do to hurt him." Stabler hoped Beecher wasn't considering it. "You were drunk."

"I can function pretty well drunk." Beecher stood and stretched again. "And Uncle Shaun is afraid. Fear is a powerful motivator."

Stabler knew the stretching was his cue to leave, but he stubbornly took up space on the futon. Beecher had the damndest family, and he blamed himself for his aunt's death. That was obvious. Stabler patted the futon. "I'm surprised you haven't shanked him."

"Do not tempt me." Beecher sat down next to him, but they were miles from touching. "I didn't have my cane."

"And your occasional drunken binge became more regular. Beecher, you're starting to make sense to me, and I'm frightened." Stabler put his arm on the back of the futon, but he didn't touch blond curls. "Maybe I should take Angus to lunch some time, I could drop in on your uncle."

"Tune him up." Beecher nearly smiled. "He's my dad's brother, but he's rotten. Two brothers: one good, one bad. Sound familiar?"

"Not all that much. I do see that you were a good, young man, but stupid, and you happened to be drunk in the wrong place. The trauma escalated into addiction when faced with a family dilemma that I wouldn't push on anyone." Stabler rubbed his forehead. "In other words, you got screwed."

"Nothing new about that!" Beecher laughed sharply. "No one put the bottle in my hand. I did it. I fucked it up. I had to remind Angus of that again today."

Stabler agreed with all of that, but if victim services had gotten involved, things would have been different. How many lives had been lost because this man had been cast aside as a drunk, as an unreliable witness? Too damn many. "What time do you want to go tomorrow?"

Beecher shrugged. "They're at school until after three, and I want to go biking in the park tomorrow."

"Giving up jogging?"

"My knee is thinking maybe I am. At least until it heals, which my doctor tells me it will." Beecher yawned. "Out. I don't want to worry about you canceling my trip because I suck in bed."

Stabler nodded. "I'm sure you do suck in bed." He laughed and got up before Beecher punched him. "And for the record, I wouldn't do that. My kids are coming over."

"Even Maureen and Kathleen?"

"They want to shop." Stabler tried to sound enthusiastic.

"Shit. I'm sorry." Beecher laughed. His hands went to his jeans, and Stabler left him before any more flesh showed. Stabler crawled into his own bed and wished he knew if he were just lonely, or if it was something else. Was there a way to find out that didn't involve him kissing someone? He'd think about that this weekend.

********

Toby left the light on low. He'd spilled so much of himself out for Stabler that he knew he'd have nightmares even with it on, and without it, he'd be fair game for Vern, the fucker. Stabler had walked away. Chris would have shoved him down and seduced it out of him. There was no comparing the two men, except that they looked similar. Sister Pete had fainted. Toby understood that. He'd almost passed out also and then thrown up. He would have to go see her and reassure her that nothing physical was going on. And nod when she asserted that Stabler was lonely and taking advantage of that was wrong.

"Damn." Toby pulled the blanket higher. He wished it was lie. The day caught up with him, and he slept.

********

_"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"_

_"Shut up, asswipe!" Stabler took a deep breath and crouched again. "I'm gonna rub your face in it!"_

_Keller laughed and got in position. "You wouldn't know passion if it bit you in the ass."_

_"I feel strongly about kicking your ass!"_

_"Toby's had me. No way you can measure up!" Keller moved so fast that he blurred._

_Stabler struggled and fought. He was pinned. Down. There was no getting up. He'd lost. Lost it all. Lost Toby. "No!"_

"Stabler!"

Stabler grabbed and executed a move that pinned his opponent. He had him. "He's mine!"

Beecher gave out a soft grunt. "Nice move. Now. Get off."

"What?" Stabler stared down at him. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Being assaulted by you. You were yelling. I came in here to put a pillow over your face." Beecher shoved and wiggled his way off the bed. "Good. You're awake. Now shut up, for chissakes." He walked out of the room.

Stabler tried to find a deep breath, and he flopped back flat. He'd dreamed of Keller. Keller. That prick. Stabler rubbed his face. He was a passionate man. Damn it. His wife had never complained. He tugged on his hard cock and groaned. They didn't even have any condoms, not that he would do it, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen to him. His dick twitched, and he stroked it. Christ.

"Friends with benefits?" Beecher hadn't gone far. He stood right outside the door.

Stabler had never liked that phrase. It was too careless, and what he felt for Beecher wasn't. If he were honest, he'd admit that he wanted to erase every memory of Keller from Beecher's mind and body. "I'm not the kind of man that has sex casually."

"How many times are you going to change your mind on this? I've already given you a blowjob." Beecher counted on his fingers. "Wait. There were two of them."

Stabler's pulse pounded at the thought and the sight of a small smirk on Beecher's face. Beecher shrugged, as if he didn't care, which was a lie, and started to leave. Stabler moved fast, following him but not shoving him down or against the wall. Beecher ignored him looming and pulled the futon away from the wall. He clicked the mechanism and pushed it flat before sprawling. Stabler stared down at him and knew that he'd made dozens of tiny decisions on his way here. He wanted this. He did. He'd deal with the consequences in the morning.

**********

Toby waited. He wasn't going to beg and plead, not this time with this man. Stabler hesitated one more second, and they both gasped as their skin met. Toby whispered, "Damn."

Stabler groaned. "What now?"

Toby laughed softly. "Stop worrying. Neither of us is HIV positive or married, and we're both consenting adults."

"Got it." Stabler nearly crushed him, but he didn't mind. Toby nearly orgasmed. He reached down and pinched it off. Stabler looked. "Already?"

"Unlike you, I've been fantasizing about this." Toby didn't want to talk anymore. He wanted Stabler to take the initiative and act like he wanted it. Stabler removed most of his body weight, but his cock still prodded Toby's groin. Toby stroked him and watched.

"What do you want from me?" Stabler wasn't being a smartass.

Toby thought about it for two seconds. "I want you to want me."

"I do," Stabler whispered. "I didn't want to, but I do."

Toby had known that, but it was hard to hear. "Let me up."

Stabler moved off him. "Giving up on me?"

"Hardly." Toby opened his closet door and dug out the condoms and the lube that he'd bought on the way back from the law firm. Stabler made a funny noise. Toby tossed them at Stabler and smiled. "Make love to me."

Stabler rolled off the futon and stood. "My kids are gonna sleep on this."

"Yep." Toby smiled. "Where would you prefer?"

"A dark hotel room."

Toby sat on the weight bench and laughed. He should give up. Stabler couldn't turn loose his inhibitions long enough to get laid. His cock was hard though, and Toby reached for it. Stabler obliged him by moving closer.

"Shower?"

Stabler shook his head. "I'm being stupid. My bed. I'll change the sheets."

Toby stood, pointed, and put the decision in Stabler's hands. "Get that stuff." He didn't wait. He went to the bed. If Stabler didn't show up, Toby would get some sleep.

********

Stabler picked up the condoms as if they were snakes. He ignored the lube. Catholics aren't big on condoms, but he had used them religiously with his wife after the twins had arrived. He still wasn't sure about this. It was a sin, like divorce or killing. He squeezed the box.

"I want him," Stabler muttered. He scooped up the lube and padded after him. His cock hadn't given up, and it wouldn't until it got some satisfaction. "Promise me that you won't let me hurt you."

"Okay." Beecher was lying. "Promise me that you'll suck my cock."

Stabler flinched at the words.

"Sorry. Forget it. Come here. Just hold me." Beecher didn't look smug or smirk or do anything that reeked of lust. It was reassuring. "You don't have to do anything."

"That's the one thing I am sure of," Stabler growled. He put the condoms and the lube on the small nightstand and got in bed.

"Stop thinking so much. Feel it or forget it. That's my advice." Beecher smiled.

Stabler felt a keen sense of frustration. "You won't mind if I get a little rough?" It worried him. He wanted so much, and keeping it bottled up was safer than letting it out.

"Elliot, I have a black eye, and yet, I'm in your bed." Beecher skipped his hand along Stabler's chest. "Just turn it loose. I can handle it."

Stabler didn't think he could handle it. He nearly trembled from the gentle touches. "Okay. You asked for it."

********

Toby hoped that meant he was getting it. He grunted when Stabler pulled him close and gasped because it seemed like Stabler's hands were everywhere all at once. The time for being not sure was over, but it was Toby that grabbed the lube. He squirted some on Stabler's hand and kissed him. "It's okay."

Stabler kissed him back and didn't talk. Toby hadn't been on the receiving end in longer than he cared to remember. He expected Stabler to be hesitant and need a little coaching.

"Fuck!"

Stabler laughed softly. He didn't stop. Toby woke up hours later, exhausted and sticky. He stretched and bumped into the reason he needed a shower. Stabler gave out a grunt. Toby was sure that this morning was going to be awkward. He rolled to his stomach and buried his face in the pillow to avoid it. Stabler's hand on his ass made him look over his shoulder.

"What?"

"Why don't you get that removed?" Stabler was practically on top of him.

"It'd hurt!" Toby squirmed. He didn't think he had an orgasm left in him. "Ignore it. I do."

Stabler kissed the back of Toby's neck. "Once more?"

Toby groaned, not from reluctance, but the simple joy of being desired. "Okay, and then I want a shower."

"Deal." Stabler took his time. He didn't rush, but he didn't hesitate. Toby got comfortable and let him do all the work. Stabler shouldn't have had any come in his balls. "Toby, are you sore?"

Toby didn't care. He rotated his hips back into it. "Do it hard this time."

"I didn't before?"

"You were gentle as a lamb." Toby had loved it that way. "This time let out some aggression."

"You're nuts." Stabler pushed that much deeper. "Tell me why and I'll consider it."

Toby squeezed with all his muscles. "I like it that way. It makes me feel alive."

Stabler groaned softly. He adjusted his position, pulled out, and slammed back inside. Toby felt it all the way to his heart. His head nearly banged into Stabler's, and gentle teeth locked around his neck. Oh. God. Damn. Stabler drove everything from Toby's mind and body. Pleasure filled him up.

"Damn!" Stabler didn't slow down. He pulled Toby to his hands and knees. Toby braced himself, but Stabler's strength was too much, and he ended up flat on his stomach again. Stabler let out a soft hiss and jerked his hips. Toby cried out. His balls strained to spurt out some come, and he seemed to float away from the bed. He wiped some drool on the sheet. A nap was a good idea and then a huge meal.

Stabler collapsed beside him, breathing hard. "I think the condom broke."

"I think I'm broke." Toby couldn't move. He let sleep take him.

********

Stabler took a long shower. He felt drained, in a good way. Beecher was asleep, sprawled in twisted sheets that needed washed. Stabler cleaned himself and groaned. He didn't have any more in him. Drying off, he saw that it was almost noon. Shit. Where had the morning gone? Oh yeah. He smiled, put on some jeans, and started a pot of coffee. Finding his cell phone took a minute, and when he had it, he ordered a couple of pizzas. He was starved. He'd thought that he'd regret it, but all he felt was a sense of calm, and it felt good.

Beecher stumbled out of the bedroom and towards the bathroom, and Stabler was careful not to laugh at him. Stabler took the opportunity to clean up and put the condoms away where his kids wouldn't find them. By the time he finished, the pizza was at the door. He put it on the coffee table and went to drag Beecher from the shower.

"Hey, I got food."

"I'm coming." Beecher grabbed a towel. "Is that a smirk?"

"It might be. You look tired." Stabler grinned and went to eat.

*********

Toby ate two pieces of pizza before attempting to talk. "I have to pack." It was all his brain could spit out.

"Yep." Stabler smiled, or was that another smirk? Toby rubbed his eyes. He should say something about last night and this morning, but damn if he knew what. Stabler solved the problem. "You know that friends with benefits thing?"

"Yeah." Toby waited for the rest of it.

"I catch you friending anyone else and someone's getting their ass kicked." Stabler didn't even lose his smile.

Toby sighed. He was half-dead from non-stop sex. "I get it. I'm yours. It's not like I'll have energy for anyone else."

Stabler sipped his coffee. "Don't get pissy about this. I'm just not good at sharing."

"Why aren't I surprised?" Toby wandered over to the window to stare out. He hadn't felt this way in years. It was as if Stabler had crawled inside him and taken over. Toby shut his eyes and tried to remember the love he'd felt for Chris, but it was all tied up with fear and hurt. He caught sight of his reflection in the glass, and his black eye mocked him. Stabler would hurt him too. Did he care? Did it matter? It should. He loved Stabler, but love didn't mean there wasn't pain.

"I'm sure you'd be upset if I brought Munch home."

Toby's gloomy thoughts were broken by laughter. That was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. It would be easy to compare Stabler to Keller, but statements like that made it clear that they were not the same man. This time, with this man, things were going to be different. He had to believe it.

"Yeah, I'd have to shank him. Let's agree to talk before we get into bed with anyone else, male or female."

"Okay. I never get laid anyway." Stabler put the leftover pizza in one box and stuffed it in the fridge. "One more time before we go?"

"Shut the fuck up, Stabler." Toby sat down in a chair. He didn't want to think about sex for a day or two. "You some kind of fucking porn star?"

"Not yet." Stabler laughed and went to his bedroom. Toby got another cup of coffee and went to pack a duffel bag. He was going to need the weekend to recover from last night.

********

Stabler parked on the street outside of the Beecher residence. "Keep your phone with you."

"Do I have to?" Beecher whined. He'd done a lot of that today, and he looked tired.

"Yes." Stabler helped Beecher get the bike out of the trunk. Why the hell he'd brought it was a mystery. "Enjoy the country club and stay away from the open bar."

Beecher glared. "I'm not going to drink." He looked away.

Stabler shut the trunk and leaned against the back end of the car. He had that feeling in his guts. "What are you planning?"

"I don't want to tell you now." Beecher got his duffel bag out of the back seat. "I'll tell you on Monday."

"Not good enough." Stabler put his hand on the bicycle seat. "You planning on scoring some ecstasy?"

"Fuck no!" Beecher sighed heavily. "I'm biking over to the cemetery. I was waiting until I got a driver's license, but since that isn't going to happen, I'm going now."

Stabler felt his blood pressure go up. He knew what that meant. "Say hello to Keller for me."

"I'll call you tonight." Beecher blushed. "It isn't about you, you pigheaded egotist!"

Stabler clenched his fist, but refused to swing it. "I don't respond well to insults."

Beecher looked down. "Sorry. I love you, now beat it."

Stabler rubbed his forehead. He hadn't expected that, and the anger was gone instantly. "Have a good weekend. You need a break after all that shit Johnson put you through. Don't pile more on your plate."

"Thanks for this. I'll behave. I promise."

"Just don't get mugged." Stabler slapped him on the shoulder and started for his car door. "And for God's sake, quit whining. It's just a weekend!"

Beecher flipped him off and pushed his bike towards the house. Stabler couldn't get his kids until tomorrow, so he headed for Cavanaugh's. He needed a night out, beer and cheeseburgers. Beecher was going to see Keller. There was nothing wrong with that. Stabler didn't care.

_"He loved me first."_

Stabler ignored that. All that mattered was that Beecher groaned for him now.

********

Toby tossed his duffel bag on what used to be his bed. Well, it had been for a couple of weeks.

"I was beginning to think Stabler had lied to us!"

"Hello, Mother." Toby turned and smiled. "He told me to thank you for the lasagna and the cookies."

She gave him a hug, and Toby relaxed in her arms, nothing better than his mother. Her gentle hand touched his face. "Who did this?"

"It doesn't matter." Toby kissed her cheek. "Mother, why are you driving Angus crazy about my parole?"

"I want you home." She smiled weakly. "You've been through enough."

Toby had to agree with the last part of that. "I'm going to be fine with Stabler. He's a hard ass, but he only cares about the important stuff."

"It should have been enough!" She was angry. "They robbed and beat you. It wasn't right!"

Toby nodded slowly. "It happened. It's over. My life is going to be fine now. I'm going to work for SVU once a week and help Angus with some cases. You know I enjoy living in Manhattan."

"And your children?"

"Mother, it wasn't possible earlier, and now I have to live with Stabler. Convince him to move in here." Toby shrugged. "You know all this! It's a world away from Oz. Let's enjoy it!"

His mother's eyes snapped. "I'm extremely tired of watching my eldest son get trampled by the justice system! A cop did that to you, and don't you dare deny it!"

Toby shook his head, but it wasn't denial, it was frustration. "Your eldest son fucked up his own life. Finally, things are looking better. Why are you angry now?"

"Tobias, I've been angry for years, but now you're able to hear me." She hugged him again. "I will stop yelling at Angus, but I expect to see more of you!"

"I'll do my best." Toby smiled for her. "Please call me and yell. I can take it. Angus did all he could, and it was a hell of a lot. I owe him."

"Okay. I get the message. Back off your brother." She laughed. "Ten years between the two of you and you were always close. I would have never guessed it would happen."

Toby shrugged. He remembered changing his brother's diaper. "I love him. Most brothers would have written me off after being shanked. Please."

Her eyes grew large. "He doesn't blame you."

"I blame me enough for both of us. Angus is having a difficult time at the firm, which you know. Throw your weight behind him there."

"Damn that Shaun," his mother spat. She was so proper, but she had a spine of iron. Toby took her by the hand and started for the kitchen. Maybe there were cookies. His kids would be home soon, and Mary and the little ones were somewhere in this mansion. Stabler was right. Toby needed a quiet weekend with his family.

*********

"Want some company?"

"Hey partner." Stabler smiled. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"I tracked you down." Benson smiled and sat down. She ordered a white wine. "Are you ready to go back to work?"

"You have no idea." Stabler finished his first beer. "But Beecher's building is painted."

"Good therapy." She looked him over. "You do seem better."

Stabler raised his eyebrow at her. It was good to hear, but he wasn't discussing why. "Tell me about the case."

"No leads. Not much evidence." She took her wine and paid for it. "I'm stumped. When you get in on Monday, I want you to look at it and see if I've missed something."

"The captain will go ballistic." Stabler chewed a French fry. "We won't tell him."

"Where's Toby?" She looked around. "Not hungry?"

"He's staying with his kids for the weekend." Stabler shrugged so she knew he didn't care about it. "He needed a vacation."

"That was nice of you." Benson took one of his fries and nibbled on it. "How's his eye?"  
Stabler ordered another beer. "It'll never happen again. I was pushed too hard that day."

"I know. Good thing you hit him, not me."

"He wanted to kill me," Stabler whispered. "Never, ever again."

Benson put a gentle hand on his arm. "I believe you. You're not a violent man, not normally."

"Things haven't exactly been normal this last year." Stabler managed a smile. "Thanks for not requesting a new partner."

"I like the old one fine." Benson pushed her wine glass away empty. "I'll see you Monday."

Stabler nodded and watched her leave. She put up with him, and only God knew why. He took a drink of his beer and watched the game. Tomorrow, he'd be busy with the kids, and then Sunday he could go get Beecher. With any luck, Beecher would skip the cemetery.

********

Toby tucked the covers around Harry and snuck a quick kiss before the boy could protest. "Did you have a good day?"

"It was great!" Harry smiled, but he instantly became serious. "Toby, I know you're my dad."

Toby nodded. "I know you do."

Harry looked away and then back. "Does it bother you that I don't call you Dad like Holly does?"

Toby had to tell the truth. "I'm your father, and I love you. I don't care what you call me."

Harry sighed with relief. "I would, but-"

"We're still getting to know each other again." Toby smiled. "It's okay. It doesn't hurt me."

Harry smiled again. It was beautiful. "Good. Holly said I was a meanie."

"She's your sister. It's her job to make you miserable." Toby rolled his eyes. "Go to sleep." He gave him one last pat and made his way to Holly's room. She was all smiles and hugs. He held her tightly and said, "Holly, don't pick on Harry. He doesn't have to call me Dad."

"You’re his dad, not Uncle Angus."

"Sure, but the name isn't all that important. What's important is that we're a family and that we love each other." Toby kissed her and made sure the blanket was how she liked it. "Okay?"

"I'll shut up about it." She held his hand. "Please don't leave us again."

"I'm doing my very best to make sure that doesn't happen." Toby squeezed her hand. He shut off the lamp and said, "Good night, love."

"Good night, Dad."

Toby waited until he was in the hallway to wipe his tear away. He'd thrown so much away, and the guilt throbbed in him.

"You okay?"

Toby looked at Angus. "Yes. I'm merely wallowing in guilt. I'm good at it."

"Come wallow downstairs." Angus pointed. "There's cheesecake."

"It can't hurt." Toby followed him to the kitchen. They needed to talk about any number of things, but it could all wait until the guilt had subsided to a manageable level.

*********

Stabler collapsed down on the couch and yawned. The kids were in bed, and the silence was a welcome break. He'd sleep out here tonight. His phone chimed, and he answered it reluctantly. "Stabler."

"It's Toby."

Stabler checked his watch. "You're in for the night?"

"Yes. You?"

Stabler nearly laughed. "I'm in charge of you, not the other way around."

"Like I can forget that." Beecher was being a wise ass. "Dinner is at six tomorrow. Don't wear a suit and make me look bad, okay?"

"It's armor against your mother." Stabler smiled. "Thanks for calling."

Beecher clicked off. Stabler put his cell phone on the coffee table and fervently hoped the cemetery didn't happen. Beecher had enough trouble staying sober. He didn't need to be thinking about Keller. Stabler pushed off his shoes and lay back flat. The memory of being in bed with Beecher sprang up in front of him, and he groaned softly. It might have been a bad idea, but it had felt so good, so right. He shut his eyes, pushing it all away until later. Tomorrow was soon enough.

_"Keller, I am really sick of you."_

_Keller smiled, and his tongue darted out to lick his lips. "I'm not sure I can trust you with him."_

_Stabler walked completely around him. "You're the one who did all the damage."_

_"I kept him alive. You keep trying to get him killed." Keller tilted his head back and put his hands on his hips. "I'll give you one chance, and I'll be watching. Don't fuck it up!"_

_Stabler took one step. "You're gone. You hear me?"_

_Keller burst into a thousand pieces of light and Stabler covered his eyes._

"Damn!" Stabler rolled over and fell off the couch. He lay on the floor for a minute before pushing up to sit down. He was going to have to talk to his shrink about this. Well, maybe not.

********

Toby hadn't wanted to go to church, but he did. His mother had insisted, and she usually got her way. He'd ignored the looks, the whispers, and the faces that turned away. They didn't have the power to hurt him, but he was very glad to strip off Angus's tie and get into his jeans again.

"You okay, Toby?"

"Sure. Public condemnation isn't a problem." Toby tied his tennis shoes. "Angus, I'm going to the cemetery to see Chris."

"Right now?" Angus's mouth hung open.

"Yes. I'll be back by dinner."

"I'll drive you." Angus clearly didn't want to do it.

"No." Toby raised his hand to emphasize. "I'm riding my bike. I need to do this alone."

Angus looked stricken. "I did my best."

"I never doubted that." Toby got up and gave him a quick hug. "I owe you more than I can ever repay, but most of all, for that. I live with enough guilt. If he'd have gone to Potter's Field, well."

"Don't think about it," Angus interrupted. "Take your cell phone."

"Got it. Stabler doesn't like me to be without it." Toby tucked it in his jacket's pocket and zipped it up. "Do you know where he is?"

"Not far from the family plot. There was a single for sale. I put up a headstone."

Toby bowed his head. "Thanks." He got out of the house before he started crying. He was so fucking weak. Ten miles wasn't too far, but it seemed like forever. And then he was there and he wanted to keep riding. He knew where his son and father were buried, and he went there first. Tracing his hand over the letters and feeling the cold stone, he let the tears fall for all the years lost.

When he was a kid, he would shut his eyes and pretend what had happened was a dream, and when he woke up, everything would be the way it was. It never worked. It still didn't. Nothing he could do would ever make it right. All he could do was live with it. And try to stop fucking up. He got to his feet and started looking for Chris. Pretending he was alive had been too fucking easy in prison. The shrink would say that was a lack of closure. Toby had to make it real, if he was going to lay in bed with Stabler. Chris had to be gone, but not forgotten. Gone though.

Working his way in a circle, he ignored the doubles and concentrated on the singles. When he saw it, he would have sworn his heart stopped. He crouched down and put his hand on the letters. Chris had haunted Toby for years but had been quiet lately, and he didn't make an appearance now. The wind swirled leaves, the earth was soft beneath his knees, and the clouds overhead opened up. Rain streamed down Toby's face, but he didn't feel it. One moment slid into another and a pebble began to dig into his knee painfully. The pain helped him think, and he stood. His knees shook. It was real. Chris was dead. Dead.

"I still think you did it so I'd have to live with the guilt forever!"

No answer. The rain didn't quit. It was cold, and it sunk into his bones like Chris had. His headstone was beautiful, not ugly. A name, two dates, and a simple epitaph - Free At Last. The rain hid the tears that poured down Toby's face. He'd thought that Angus hated Chris, and probably he did, but he had also understood a little. Chris didn't have to rot in Oz. He was free. It was what Chris had wanted. Toby let some of the blame slide off his shoulders. It had been Chris's decision, the bullheaded idiot. Toby looked skyward and knew he'd carry Chris with him until the day he died, and that's all Chris had asked of him. It would have to be enough.

The sound of the cell phone made Toby jump. He looked first. It was after five. How had it gotten so late? He snapped it open. "What?"

"I'm coming to get you."

"Bring a fucking towel." Toby shoved the phone away. Next time he'd bring flowers, not just a sore heart. He wiped some rain off his face and got on his bike. He'd start back. He was not taking any shit for this. It had been necessary. His parole officer could shove it. Toby shivered and kept on pedaling. Checking the weather would have been a good idea. He laughed softly. It was Chris having some fun, the bastard. A crack of lightning made him flinch and car lights struck his eyes. He braked hard, the wheels slipped out from under him, and he hit the pavement. God damn it!

Stabler was suddenly there through the pounding rain. He didn't try to talk. He grabbed Toby by the arm and wrenched him up. Toby leaned against him and fell inside the car. There was a towel, and he dried off his face while Stabler stowed the bike. By the time Stabler got in the car, he was soaked. Toby sheepishly handed him the towel.

"I had made up my mind not to curse at you," Stabler growled and wiped his face. "Damn it!" He tossed it back.

Toby dried his hands and shivered. "How could I know it would rain?"

"Did you bother to look up?" Stabler drove slowly. "You hurt your leg?"

"Of course." Toby wiped some blood off his elbow. His jeans were ripped, and his mother was going to glare at him. "Thanks for driving out here."

"I should've made you bike home." Stabler didn't take his eyes off the road. Toby didn't answer that. He kept pressure on his elbow. The ten miles took twenty minutes, and Stabler sighed with relief when he shut off the engine. "Damn. I think you pissed someone off."

"Fuck me." Toby stared out at the rain. He shrugged. He couldn't get any wetter. The garage door was open, and he limped that direction. Stabler, for all his talk, put an arm around him to help him up the short flight of stairs. The door to the kitchen flew open, and a small herd of people trampled him. He put up with it.

*********

Stabler dripped on the kitchen floor. "Sorry about this."

Mary, Angus's wife, smiled at him. "Go upstairs with Toby. I'm sure he has something you can wear. I'll wash your clothes."

"Thanks." Stabler trailed after them. Angus was shooing the kids out of Toby's room. They galloped past him.

"Thanks, Stabler."

"Doing my job." Stabler felt a trifle uncomfortable. "Let me get out of these wet things. Mary said she'd take care of them."

Angus nodded. "Toby's already in the shower."

"He'll find me some clothes." Stabler didn't hesitate to shut the door firmly in Angus's face. He went to the bathroom, fancy house, and stripped. It was damn cold, but the steam from the shower helped. A strong hand tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around.

"Come on."

Stabler hesitated and then got in the shower. The water felt good and chased the chill from his bones. He looked Beecher over from top to bottom. "Road rash."

"Some. Yeah." Toby shrugged. "At least I wasn't a hood ornament."

Stabler wanted to smack him around for joking about it. Instead, they hugged gently. "You're going to be the death of me."

"You wouldn't be the first man that happened to." Beecher hid his face in the water. He seemed to slump. Stabler didn't think words could comfort him, so he said nothing. He found the soap and used it on the both of them. After rinsing, he shut off the water. Beecher caught the towel. "No sex?"

Stabler ignored the wise ass comment. "Clothes?" He pointed at Beecher's elbow. "And that could use a bandage."

"Mary has a first aid kit in the kitchen. Let me find us some clothes." Beecher limped to the closet. It was a walk-in. "I left some stuff here when I moved out."

"So, you did live here." Stabler had wondered. "I won't fit your jeans."

"No kidding." Beecher tossed him a T-shirt and some sweats. "Squeeze your ass into those."

Stabler didn't snap at him, instead, he put them on. There were many unspoken words here, and Beecher looked impossibly sad. Stabler hated that Keller could do this to him. Beecher had had more than the wind knocked out of him today. Stabler caught him in another hug. "I'll leave you alone."

"Thanks." Beecher leaned his forehead against Stabler's shoulder. "I just need a minute."

Beecher pulled away, and Stabler collected the wet clothes. He took everything downstairs. Mary met up with him, and they put everything in the washing machine.

"Does Toby keep a cane here?"

"I'll ask Victoria." Mary smiled. "Thanks for rescuing him."

"Don't say that in front of him. Okay?" Stabler swiped his hands through his hair. They went back to the kitchen, and he caught the jacket Angus tossed him. "Thanks."

"Can't have you freezing to death." Angus poured him a cup of coffee. "How did you know where he was?"

Stabler shrugged into the fleece and considered lying, but Beecher would come clean about it, so he might as well not bother. "He has GPS in his phone."

"He said that you make him carry it, and now I know why." Angus frowned. "That wasn't in the agreement."

And that's why Stabler had wanted to lie.

"Stabler and I made a deal. No curfew in exchange for the tracking device." Beecher limped through the door. "I need some coffee. Please."

Mary got him some. "You're going to have to go back to the doctor for your leg."

"We'll argue about it later." Beecher smiled at her. "Thanks. When's dinner?"

"Ten minutes." Victoria came in the kitchen. "Mary, please get the first aid kit."

Stabler watched as everyone did her bidding. It was amusing. The kids came running in to help. Holly tried to take over, and they let her. She bandaged Beecher's elbow. Beecher thanked her with a kiss.

"Is your bike squashed?" Harry asked.

Beecher looked at Stabler. Stabler shrugged. "It looked okay. We'll get it out and check when it stops pouring."

Harry nodded. "Did you run over him?"

"Harry!" Beecher laughed. "It was slick. It slipped out from under me."

Stabler nearly laughed. Harry was a typical boy. Victoria took charge again. "Everyone go wash for dinner. No reason to put out the china!"

Angus grabbed hands. Beecher stayed put, so Stabler did too. He wrapped his hands around the mug and was glad for the warmth. Mary and Victoria set the table in the kitchen, no dining room tonight. Beecher hobbled over and sat down. Stabler felt awkward again. Why had he been invited? Angus. Angus wanted to talk to him, but what about? Stabler wasn't sure he wanted to find out.

*********

Toby felt as raw on the inside as his elbow was on the outside. He was glad he'd gone, but the reality of it still hurt. Chris was really dead, not stuffed away in solitary somewhere upstate. Dead. In that ground, not so far from here, and not so far from where Toby would lie someday.

"Toby, where did you go?"

Toby looked at his mother. "To the cemetery. I should have checked the weather."

"Next time, have Angus take you," his mother snapped. Toby nearly cursed at her.

Stabler must have seen it. He sat down next to him and said, "I'm surprised you didn't jog. You can make it that far easy."

Toby swallowed hard. He wouldn't curse. "Not any more." He saw his mother let the topic drop. She was upset that he was hurt. That's all. Stabler sipped his coffee, and Toby wanted to lean into him. "Thanks for not running over me."

Stabler put his coffee down. "Not even close." His eyes told the truth though, too close. Toby flexed his leg and winced. No doctor, but no more squats either. Knee replacement surgery wasn't something he wanted to face before he reached fifty. Angus and the kids came to the table, and Toby let the rhythm of dinner flow over him. He didn't have to talk, not with Harry at the table. The conversation was light, the food was good, and Stabler was close enough to touch. Toby concentrated on that and ignored the gaping wound right above his heart.

********

Stabler did his best to charm Victoria Beecher. She needed it, and he felt for her. Her son had been raped, her husband killed, and her grandson kidnapped and murdered. If she was angry and bitter, he wouldn't blame her, and she wasn't, not really. She was hyper-protective, which was perfectly normal. It was just tonight that she needed to settle down. Beecher was too tired to put up with it, and he might start cursing.

The instant the meal was over; Beecher pushed his chair back and whispered to Harry. They excused themselves and went off to play video games. Holly started clearing the table with Mary, and Angus gave him a look. Stabler nodded and made his excuses. He followed Angus through the house to a study that was tucked in the back. It was a beautiful room, and Stabler admired it. It was just money, but it was tastefully done. He plunked himself down in a leather chair.

"You nearly ran over him?"

Stabler shrugged. "Not even close, but he did come up quick in my headlights. Why are we talking?"

Angus leaned against the front of the desk. "How strict are you going to be?"

"You read it. That strict." Stabler wished for his suit. "Toby isn't complaining, not to me."

"He wouldn't, but that GPS is a violation of his civil rights."

Stabler rubbed a hand through his almost dry hair. He liked being able to check up on Beecher. Beecher found too much trouble. Stabler smiled and told the truth. "It was his idea."

"Did you threaten to set his curfew at six?"

Stabler saw the angry brother push his way out. Angus was still angry about Johnson. It was understandable. Stabler shook his head. "I told him there wasn't going to be a curfew, but we both felt more comfortable with him carrying a GPS. It's not that big of a deal. Don't paint me as the bad guy."

Angus sighed and nodded. "I'm looking out for him, and I know it was you, not the judge that broke his balls over the car."

"I'm not going to discuss it. The judge made the decision. Toby signed it. No one forced him to do it. It was solely his choice." Stabler started to push his agenda. "Let's talk about his job for you now."

"Three cases a week." Angus didn't flush or look nervous. "I know he'll do a great job. Is there paperwork I have to fill out? I didn't read anything in the agreement that pertained to employment."

"Angus, there was a reason that Toby kept turning you down. His drinking is linked to working with the law. I had to lock the door to keep him from buying a bottle after the last case. He worked on it for hours and then craved whiskey." Stabler slowly stood and pushed his point home. "I won't allow the law firm to destroy him and going back to Oz will."

Angus straightened to standing and furrowed his brow. "Linked?"

"It's a pattern. He hasn't forgotten it. I know you're in a tight spot, but Toby isn't the answer." Stabler leaned forward slightly. "I'll allow one case a week. One."

Angus looked like he might argue, but suddenly he looked away. "One day a week, at the office."

"Absolutely not." Stabler snorted. "One case. This is non-negotiable."

"I'll speak to Toby." Angus didn't quite get it, not yet. "You have no say over where he works, and you and I both know it."

"Angus, don't you get it? You're putting your brother at risk. I will send him back if he gets drunk. Are you counting on our friendship to keep him out?" Stabler crossed his arms. He wasn't backing down on this point.

The door pushed open. "Angus, listen to him."

Angus leaned against the edge of the desk again, and Stabler let him off the hook. Beecher stood in the doorway, waiting. Angus crossed his arms. "Toby has a win rate over ninety percent. Two cases."

"One. We'll discuss it again in six months." Stabler gave an inch. "Is that okay with you, Toby?"

"Now you pretend you're not cutting off my balls." Beecher brushed his hand through his hair. "He's right, Angus. It puts me at risk, even though I don't like to admit it."

"You should have told me," Angus said softly.

"I could handle it. Stabler would rather I not have to. He's a pussy that way." Beecher shrugged. He was definitely out of sorts tonight. "Anything else?"

Stabler headed for the door. It was time to leave. "I'm going to play video games. You boys play nice."

"Try your luck against Holly." Beecher limped to the chair and sat down. "Angus, sit down."

Stabler shut the door quietly. He'd done his job. Now they could argue it out.

********

Toby waited until Angus was sitting across from him. "Do you really think you can play the friendship card?"

Angus found a pen to fiddle with. "Never driving is extremely restrictive, and he brought up the cases, not me."

"Why would you even question him?" Toby didn't get it. "Why?"

"You love him. I see it in your eyes, and he wanted to live with you." Angus shrugged. "I'm just connecting the dots."

"Well, disconnect them," Toby snarled. He couldn't believe this shit. "You can't manipulate him! He sees right through the bullshit. If I take a drink while he's fucking me up the ass, he will send me back!"

Angus paled. "Toby, for God's sake."

"Leave God out of this. You wanted this for me, and now, God fucking damn, you'll do what he says." Toby took a harsh breath. "I warned you! You thought he'd be easy because I care for him? Christ, Angus!"

"Toby, settle down. Please." Angus spoke softly. "I made a mistake. I won't make it again. I wish you'd have told me about the cases. I never would have pushed it."

"I didn't know, not really." Toby put his head in his hands. "The last case nearly forced me to the nearest bar. Stabler, unfortunately, was home. I can handle it. It's just going to take some practice."

Angus nodded and rubbed his face. "You saw Keller's grave?"

Toby flinched at the words and the abrupt topic change. He paused to make sure he said this right. "Yes. Thank you. You did exactly what he would have wanted."

"Sister Pete told me what to put on it." Angus flushed and looked away. "I've seen flowers on his grave before. I don't know who put them there."

"He had three wives." Toby wasn't going to take credit for something he didn't do, but enough about Chris. "Angus, please back off Stabler. I don't pay you enough for you to harass my parole officer."

Angus got up and paced over to him. "Okay. What's done is done, but tell me you're not involved with him."

"I'm not involved with him." Toby stood and looked him right in the eye. "I was speaking in metaphors. We're casual friends. That's all. He has better things to do than give me the time of day."

Angus sighed in apparent relief. "If he ever does make advances, tell me and I can get that ruling reversed in a heartbeat."

"Shut the fuck up," Toby said dispassionately. "I'd forgotten how annoying my little brother is."

"I'd forgotten how stupid my big brother can be!"

Toby laughed. "Yeah. Stupid. I'm going home. Send the case tomorrow."

"I will." Angus put his arm around him and helped him through the house to the den. Stabler didn't even take his eyes off the screen. Holly was trouncing him. Toby sat down to enjoy it. Harry sat down close, and Toby hugged him. It had been a hell of a day, and if he knew Stabler, this wasn't over.

********

Stabler gave Beecher the look after he helped put the kids to bed. Beecher must have known it was coming because his duffel bag was packed and by the door.

"Think you'll be back soon, Toby?"

Stabler knew the question was more for him but he didn't even blink. Beecher didn't look at him before answering, "I'm sure it won't be too long. Stabler gets sick and tired of my whining."

Angus rubbed his forehead. Stabler stood up. "Come on. Let's go before you start cursing at me."

Beecher nodded. "Thanks, Angus, for everything."

"You're welcome." Angus hugged him. Stabler grabbed the duffel bag and opened the door so Beecher could limp out. The rain had quit, and the night was very still. Beecher got in the car, leaned back, and shut his eyes in a clear message that he didn't want to talk. That suited Stabler just fine. They could yell at each other later. Of course, it made the ride last longer than it should have, but he wasn't going to start trouble.

"Watch the road."

Stabler couldn't help but smile. "There's no way I drive worse than a cabbie."

"So you say." Beecher sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Shit. I'm tired."

Stabler believed that. "We could stop at the hospital and have your leg looked at."

Beecher shook his head. "I don't want to be in the emergency room all night. They'd just give me a pain killer and send me home anyway."

"Okay." Stabler thought that was pretty accurate. They didn't talk again until he'd parked the car. "Let me go up and get your cane."

Beecher swung his legs out the open car door. "I'll wait here."

It must have hurt because Beecher usually had too much pride to sit and wait. Stabler trotted upstairs, grabbed the cane, and took it back to him. Beecher used it to stand and said, "Thanks. Can you get my bike?"

Stabler nodded and got it out of the trunk. He pushed it inside the building and chained it to the radiator. "Hardly a scratch."

"Too bad I can't say the same. I think I have bad luck." Beecher started up the stairs. Stabler walked behind him. At some point, Beecher was going to curse at him. It was coming. Beecher unlocked the door and headed straight for his bedroom. Stabler detoured to the fridge to grab a beer. A beer, a little news, and he'd turn in for the night. Tomorrow, thank God, he could go to work, not that he'd minded painting.

Beecher hobbled out and sat down in the chair. "Work tomorrow?"

"Yep." Stabler didn't mute the TV. "You?"

"Angus is sending a case, and I think I'll work at the precinct on Wednesdays, unless Cragen says different." Beecher fiddled with his cane. "I'm going to bed."

"Good. Don't bleed on the sheets." Stabler was careful not to look at him. Beecher could make up his own mind about where he was sleeping tonight. Stabler sure as hell didn't want Keller in bed with them, and Beecher had to be thinking of him.

Beecher didn't rush off. "As my keeper, you got any complaints?"

Stabler rolled his head so he could look at him. "Other than you should have stayed at the cemetery, no."

"Well, that probably was stupid." Beecher smiled a little. "How often do you call that number?"

Stabler shrugged. "You really want to discuss this?"

"I guess it doesn't matter," Beecher said with a touch of sarcasm.

Stabler saw a small blaze ignite in Beecher's sky blue eyes. That was a bad sign. Beecher was spoiling for a fight. The reason was a mystery, but it probably had to do with Keller. Stabler smiled his best at him. "Having second thoughts about that piece of paper we signed?"

Beecher didn't answer right away. He just stared at him, and then finally, he spoke, his words slow and measured. "Angus asked me if we were involved. I lied to him."

Stabler knew his eyes widened. He hadn't considered that Angus would think of it. "Did it make you angry?"

"You sound like a fucking shrink." Beecher stood. "I'll keep the phone. Chris said I was born a bitch. Guess it's true."

Stabler wasn't going to dignify that with an answer. He'd wanted to have sex with Beecher, and he didn't regret it. He chewed the inside of his lip. It wasn't easy for him to talk about his feelings, but now was the time to say something that Beecher needed to hear. "I care about you, Toby. I don't want to fight."

Beecher sniffed and looked away. He went to his room and slammed the door. Stabler sighed. He'd honestly expected worse. He shut off the TV and got ready for bed. This was why he'd never cheated on his wife. Talking about sex sucked. On the job he'd seen it all and rehashed it for days trying to find the perp, but this was his sex life, and that wasn't something he wanted to talk about. Do it - yes. Talk about it - no. Beecher, being a lawyer, probably wanted to talk it to death. Stabler crawled under the covers and shut the light off. He stared at the dark ceiling for a few minutes and then set the lamp to low.

*********

Toby waited until he heard Stabler leave the bathroom before going to take out his contact lenses and brush his teeth. Finished, he went to get water from the fridge. The light clicking on in Stabler's room startled him, but he kept moving. He wouldn't sleep with him, not tonight, not when he felt so much like a drunken excuse of a man. Hearing them talk about him had cut to the bone. Angus, ever the lawyer, and Stabler, always the cop, and neither of them cared that they were discussing him as if he had no choices. There were always choices. Some of them were crappy, but it was his life to wreck and ruin. He leaned against the wall outside his room and rubbed a hand through his hair. He'd destroyed it once before. He could do it again.

_Free at last._

He hoped Dr. King didn't mind the usage. It was true for both of them. Toby was free, and he wasn't going to fuck it up, but he wasn't going to play the bitch either. Chris would agree.

Toby looked back. The light was on. If that wasn't an invitation, he didn't know one. Slowly, he hobbled that direction. Stabler looked asleep, but he wasn't. Toby could hear him listening.

"I wasn't angry with you as much as Angus."

Stabler didn't even twitch. "He's looking out for you."

"He needs to shut up. I don't care about the fucking driver's license." Toby didn't. He could always use their limo service. "I could have done two cases easily."

"I disagree. You weren't too bad on the first one, but the second one pushed you too close to the bottle. My job is to look out for you. I was doing my job." Stabler rolled to his back and laced his fingers behind his head. "I ain't gonna apologize for it. I don't want you back in Oz."

"Me neither." Toby limped to the bed and sat down. "I know you'll send me back if I fuck up."

"I won't like it, and I'll come visit, but yes, I will." Stabler was so honest. He gingerly put his hand on Toby's thigh. "I know you'll stay clean."

"I hope so." Toby let the anger go. It was stupid to get mad about it. "And you're never going to Oz, remember?"

Stabler rolled away from him. "I have work in the morning. Beat it."

Toby laughed softly. The lamp was still on, and he reached, shutting it off. He limped to his futon and found a position that didn't hurt his scrapes and bruises. Stabler had kicked him out. He laughed some more. He'd expected, well, something. He shut his eyes and relaxed.

_"Hey, Bitcher!"_

_Toby whirled and pulled his shank. "What?"_

_"I like your new boyfriend. With a little persuasion, he'll be sucking my cock."_

_"He'd kill you." Toby ducked the fist that came for him and shoved his arm up hard. The shank thunked into Vern's chest. "No. I'll kill you."_

_"That cocksucker."_

Toby jerked awake, sitting completely up and gasping for breath. He scrubbed his face with his hands and tried to think. Schillinger was dead. Still. Thank God. Toby managed to get his breathing under control. He glanced at the clock. Six a.m. He clasped his shaking hands together and hoped that was the last he'd see of Schillinger. The sound of the shower penetrated his brain, and he stood. He limped to the bathroom and went inside.

Stabler looked out at him. "Give me a minute."

"Could I squeeze in with you?" Toby just wanted to hold him, touch him, and reassure himself that this world was real. "Please?"

"Sure." Stabler made some room. Toby pushed his sweats off and was glad for a helping hand as Stabler steadied him. "Doctor?"

"No." Toby shamelessly leaned against him. Water streamed off them both, and he put his hands on Stabler's chest. This was real. Truth. Stabler was here. He might regret it occasionally, but he showed no signs of leaving. Toby met those dark, blue eyes. "What?"

Stabler shrugged. "I figured you'd be mad."

"Too much work." Toby checked out Stabler's equipment. "Not even a blip on your radar."

"I pissed already." Stabler smiled. "I gotta get to work."

"I don't expect anything." Toby hoped he didn't sound whiny. He was fine, and the simple touch was enough. Stabler used his hands to check out Toby's scrapes. The elbow and the knee were the worst of it. Toby allowed it. "You should have been a nurse."

Stabler washed his hair. Toby just watched and enjoyed the water. He was clean enough.

"Don't piss on my feet!"

Toby laughed. "Sorry. Old habit." He wasn't sorry. It was just piss. He got out of the tub carefully and dried off. Stabler stayed in a little longer and then shut the water off. Toby tossed him a clean towel. It was time to get out of the way. Stabler was going to work, and no force on Earth would slow him down. Toby found his cane and went to start the coffee. He needed it. Finding clothes didn't seem all that important, but he had to find some energy.

"Getting dressed today?"

"I'll get there." Toby smoothed back his wet hair. "Tell Cragen I'll be in Wednesday, if he doesn't mind."

"Do I look like your message boy?"

Toby poured himself the first cup and headed for his bedroom. "Detective Stabler is back," he muttered. He found some sweats and a T-shirt. He wasn't going anywhere today.

Stabler came though the door. "You're staying home, right?"

"Right." Toby looked at his elbow. He'd put something on it. "See ya."

Stabler laughed. "I get it. I'm gone." He hesitated though. Toby took two steps and straightened Stabler's tie. Their eyes met and one second later their lips. Stabler pulled away. "I'll call."

Toby didn't believe that for a minute, but it didn't matter. "Don't forget your bullets."

Stabler rolled his eyes and left for work. Toby took his coffee out to his computer. He had to face Sister Pete's email, and he wanted to think about Chris. Not much of a day, but it would be hard enough.

********

"Elliot! My office."

Stabler looked at his partner. "Did I do something wrong while I was gone?" He didn't wait for her answer. Cragen was already behind his desk, and Stabler waited to hear the bad news. He'd played by the rules, but it didn't mean he wouldn't take a rip or even get transferred. The brass loved to break balls before breakfast. He smiled.

"What're you smiling about?"

"Nothing." Stabler loosened his tie a little.

"Right. I got the report from your shrink. She's encouraged. You think you can handle this?"

"Yes." Stabler was sure of it. "The anger management painting class I took was excellent."

"I hope you're right. Okay. You can start catching cases. The brass is keeping an eye on you, so for God's sake, don't mess up." Cragen pointed at him. "Get out there."

Stabler nodded. "Toby wants to work on Wednesday."

"I'll call him." Cragen rubbed his forehead. "Fin's out sick. You've been gone, and Munch is on vacation in Baltimore. We need all the help we can get."

Stabler wandered out to his desk and sat down to get started. "Get me up to speed."

"The cavalry has finally arrived." Benson smiled. "I'd about given up."

********

Toby ordered three pizzas for lunch. He didn't want to cook today. If Stabler happened to show up, which was doubtful, there would be plenty to heat up in the microwave. Sister Pete had sent him two emails. He'd have to go see her, and he blamed Stabler for that. Of course, he could ignore her for the rest of his life, but he'd done that for years and it hadn't felt good. She was important to him. Damn it.

The case from Angus had arrived around ten, and he still hadn't looked at it. He'd get there. He had stared out at the park for a good hour, trying to figure out how to reconcile Chris with the future. There had to be a way to remember him, keep the good that had lived in him alive, and at the same time, not obsess over it. It was a problem. Chris had done terrible things, but that wasn't all of him. Toby munched pizza and sighed. The answer might lie with the Catholic Church. One thing for sure: he wasn't discussing it with Sister Pete. Father Mukada might have an idea or two though.

His phone chimed, and Toby opened it. "Beecher."

"It's Captain Cragen." There was a slight pause. "How about tomorrow?"

"Okay." Toby didn't care. "First shift or second?"

"Both." Cragen clicked off. He'd been serious. Toby put the phone away and shrugged. He still didn't care.

********

"Go home, Elliot."

Stabler checked his watch. It had gotten late. "I won't even argue." Benson had left about an hour ago. They'd cleared a case today and started work on two others. It took time. He hadn't had a chance to look over the case that he was supposed to stay away from. Susan Kingly, his friend, was in the ground, but her murderer was still walking around out there. It wasn't right, and at the rate they were going, the murder would never be solved. He shrugged into his coat and headed out the door.

Beecher looked up when Stabler walked through the door, but neither of them smiled. Stabler was too hungry, and Beecher was working on something for Angus. Stabler opened the fridge, got out the pizza, heated it up, and ate two pieces before looking at him again.

"How's your leg?"

"Sore." Beecher stopped typing and stretched. "You?"

"Fine. Long day." Stabler heated up more pizza and opened a beer. He didn't really want to talk about anything. Beecher had gone back to typing. He wasn't talkative either, which was fine. Stabler finished eating and took his beer to his bedroom. He locked up his gun and badge and got undressed. Leaning against the headboard in nothing but his briefs, he enjoyed his beer. The horrors of the day eased to an acceptable distance. There had been a time he'd focused on the good he could do and not the evil done. Anger at it all had changed him. So much anger. He knew now that it was anger at his failures and his father. No cop cleared all his cases, and sometimes even when he won; he lost. Justice wasn't always black or white, and the shades of grey could be hard to live with.

"Can you take me to work in the morning?"

Stabler pulled his head out of his ramblings. "Tomorrow?"

"Yes." Beecher leaned on his cane.

"Sure. You might have to catch a cab home." Stabler watched Beecher try not to stare at him. "You done for the night?"

"I'll have to finish it tomorrow or the next day." Beecher shrugged. He was turning away now. His shoulders said that he'd given up. He never pushed.

Stabler hesitated and then made up his mind. "Coming to bed?"

Beecher stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Yours or mine?"

Stabler didn't much care as long as they were together. "Leave the shank at the door."

"I can do that." Beecher didn't rush. He locked the front door, turned off the lights, and used the bathroom. Stabler finished his beer and put the lamp on low. He made sure his alarm was set. Beecher parked his cane at the door. "You're in no danger now."

"Right." Stabler pushed the covers down and made room. Beecher found a spot for himself. Neither of them moved for the longest time. Stabler would never admit that he was happy just to be close to him. Beecher sighed softly, and Stabler pulled him closer. A gentle kiss followed.

Beecher licked his lips. "Beer. Yum."

"I just helped you break your parole. How are we going to explain that?" Stabler checked Beecher's elbow before kissing him again.

"Let's not." Beecher tugged at him. "Squash me, will ya?"

Stabler covered him and didn't ask why. They moved together slowly, sharing kisses and touches. He didn't rush, and Beecher had shut his eyes. Their breath came faster, and Stabler grunted when Beecher's hands wrapped into his ass and ground them together. It felt good, and suddenly he came. It made him groan. He collapsed down, and Beecher rolled them until he was on top. Stabler wrapped his arms around him and held him close as he moved.

"Damn," Beecher whispered and tensed. Stabler held the weight of him and kissed him again. Beecher sighed and pulled away a little. "I'll get a towel."

Stabler sat up and pushed him down. "I'll get it, ya gimp."

Beecher laughed softly. Stabler wet a washcloth, wiped off, and went back. He cleaned off Beecher's stomach and chest, pushing the hand away. Beecher groaned softly and said, "That was something."

"Still not gay," Stabler growled. He took the washcloth back and tossed it in the sink. Going back to bed, he felt a sense of vulnerability, almost as if he expected Beecher to laugh at him. Beecher had rolled to the other side, and he looked asleep. Stabler eased in next to him and shut his eyes. He lay quietly, listening to Beecher breathe. The anger was gone, for now. He'd done his best today.

********

Toby caught Stabler being sneaky. No one else noticed, but Toby did, so he followed him to a meeting room that was usually deserted.

"Elliot?"

Stabler shut the file and folded his hands. "Don't you have some filing to do?"

"Probably." Toby sat down next to him. "Still no leads in the Kingly case?"

Stabler glared, but opened the file. "I'm going to look at it. Why don't you go back and keep Cragen busy for an hour or so?"

"Okay." Toby didn't stand up though. He'd looked through that file twice. "You dated her?"

"In high school, before Kathy." Stabler started reading. "Why?"

Toby hesitated to mention it. His black eye hadn't completely faded yet. "Could she have been a lesbian?"

Stabler slapped his hand down. Toby got the hell out of the room. He sat at Munch's desk and hoped Cragen would stay in his office.

"Beecher! Get the cold case files from '02!"

Toby threw him a sloppy salute. Being an officer gopher wasn't much fun, but he'd had plenty of practice at it.

*********

Stabler grabbed a fistful of Beecher's shirt and pulled him to the side of the lockers.

"Ouch!"

"Oh, sorry. I forgot you were a cripple." Stabler couldn't resist a small insult and turned him loose. "Why did you ask that about her?"

Beecher furrowed his brow and straightened his shirt. "Kingly was unmarried at forty, with no boyfriends, was raped with a blunt instrument that left bruises but nothing else, and her haircut."

"Stereotyping is ugly."

"Yes, but this was a crime of passion. Since there weren't any boyfriends, except, well, you..." Beecher trailed off.

Stabler frowned. "I have an alibi."

"It's probably me, and I'm unreliable." Beecher edged away. "Can I go? You're glaring."

Stabler nodded. It was something to think about. He'd talk to Benson. It was an angle she hadn't explored, and it would be easy to find out the truth.

********

Toby didn't wait on his roommate. He went home in a cab. A long, hot bath to soak his leg came first, and he lay back in the water, doing his best to relax. Thoughts of Stabler popped up here and there. No one at the station house would guess that Stabler liked him. Hell, Toby didn't think Stabler liked him, except for the thrusting in bed stuff they did. Chris had told the world he loved him. Stabler wouldn't whisper it in a dark room. And that brought him back to Chris again. There had to be answer there. Toby didn't get out until the water was cold. He dried quickly and went to bed. He'd get up and finish the case for Angus in the morning. Delivering it would be fun.

********

"You were supposed to stay out of it!"

"I did. It was Beecher's idea, and Benson handled it. I've been doing my fives on the other case." Stabler was careful to look calm. "I haven't done so much as lift a finger."

"I hope not," Cragen grumbled. "Go home. I don't want any lawyers spotting you lurking around."

"Fine." Stabler went to get his coat. He tried to wipe the smirk off his face, but wasn't completely successful. If Benson needed help, she'd call. The apartment was dark when he unlocked the door, and he quietly locked it again. He made his way to his room, turned on the lamp, and undressed. Checking on Beecher might be viewed as an insult, but he went to look anyway. Beecher was asleep on his futon. Would he ever have the balls to claim half the bed? Probably not. He was too polite or maybe he didn't care enough. With women, it was easy. They wanted a wedding ring, but Beecher had nothing to hold him here, except the threat of Oz. Stabler went back to bed, shut off the lamp, and crawled under the covers. It all went back to the fact that love was stupid.

********

"Elliot, I need to go see Sister Pete." Toby sipped his coffee and waited to be shot down.

"Have her meet you for lunch somewhere. I don't want you in Oz." Stabler punctuated this statement by loading his gun and holstering it. He was about ready to leave.

"You're being ridiculous. It's safe." Toby flushed. "It is! Usually."

"The answer is no." Stabler looked pissed now. "Don't test me on this."

"What are you going to do? Send me back to Oz?" Toby snarled.

"How about a couple of nights in a holding cell?" Stabler suddenly grinned at him. "Toby, please don't go. I can't work if I think you're about to be shanked."

Toby rubbed his forehead. Being polite was cheating. "Go to work. I'll call her."

Stabler put on his coat. "Keep your phone with you."

"I will." Toby didn't bother to glare at Stabler's back. Parole was one thing. Acting like a mother hen was another! "It's not like you give a damn."

Stabler came all the way back to him from the door. Toby didn't get to his feet, and he tried to stay calm. Stabler tapped him on the forehead. "Use that Harvard brain." And he strode out, shutting the door quite hard.

Toby slumped. Living with his parole officer had been a very bad idea. He snapped open his phone and dialed the number.

"Hello?"

"Sister Pete, it's me, Toby." Toby hoped she'd hang up on him. "How are you?"

"The larger question is how are you?" She was just getting started. "We need to talk."

"Stabler won't let me come to Oz." Toby hated to hide behind the badge.

"Meet me at that little restaurant for lunch. You know the one." She wasn't giving up.

"Okay." Toby sighed. "I'll buy."

"Come alone." She clicked off. She was pissed. Toby shut his phone. He was being an idiot, heading straight for heartache. She wouldn't quit though until she was satisfied, and she had enough power to see him and Stabler miserable, if she cared to use it. He had to cut her off at the knees. The question was how. And what to do about Chris? He drank some more coffee and prayed for inspiration.

********

Stabler watched through the glass with Captain Cragen. This case was solved. Now it was the matter of the lawyers hashing out whether it would be murder two or manslaughter, but nothing would bring his friend back, and that poor women sobbing in the interrogation room would punish herself forever for it.

"Thank you, Elliot, for not involving yourself in this," Cragen said sarcastically.

"You're very welcome." Stabler turned off the sound. He wasn't angry, and it was a relief. Sad, yes, but not angry at himself for failing. He hadn't. Cragen started reviewing it with the ADA, and Stabler went to find a cup of coffee. He had another case to work on, and he had to keep a close eye on Beecher today.

********

Toby limped over to the table. His leg was much better today, but he was playing the pity card. Sister Pete already had a cup of coffee and a look on her face that could scare the Pope.

"It's good to see you, Sister Pete."

She didn't even try to smile. "Tobias, who beat you?"

"I bought a bike." Toby managed a smile. "I forgot how to stop."

The waitress interrupted Sister Pete's answer, and they both ordered the special. Toby also got a Coke. He'd probably be wishing there was Seagram's in it soon. She took a deep breath, and Toby got ready for it.

"Stabler beat you up! Just like Keller!" She hissed. It wasn't quiet.

"Jesus Christ, Sister," Toby whispered. "Don't get us kicked out of here."

She yanked her glasses off. "Don't lie to me. You were never good at it."

Toby sighed and pushed his hair back. "I fell off my bike. Stabler had nothing to do with it. He's a detective, and a good one. He's also a nice guy. Let's not discuss Chris."

"Are you still seeing your psychiatrist?"

"Of course. Stabler would boot me back to Oz if I missed an appointment." Toby leaned closer to her. "Why are you so upset? I finally have a good parole officer. He lets me see my kids over the weekend, and he doesn't subject me to strip searches."

Sister Pete folded her hands. "You love him. Are you doing his laundry yet?"

"Stop. You don't have the right to treat me that way." Toby frowned. "I respect him, and I never do his laundry."

"Come on." Sister Pete rolled her eyes. "I thought you were doing better."

"I am," Toby said forcefully. "Why are you so angry? I don't get it. Chris is dead. I saw his grave just the other day."

Sister Pete focused her attention on her coffee. "I've seen it."

"Why do I get the feeling that this is about you, not me?" Toby smiled at the waitress and waited until she was gone before continuing, "Did Stabler fuck with your mind?"

Sister Pete looked stricken. She whispered, "Don't you know he loves you?"

Toby laughed softly. He had to play this just right, and he'd think about what she'd said later. "Right. Stabler. That's a good one. If he did, he'd be laughed off the job. He cares because he's a cop that works sex crimes. The first time we met, he saw my swastika and learned about Vern. He feels sorry for me. Sister, I have to get through my parole, and then I'm really free. Don't make this harder for me."

She pushed her food around. "It was such a shock. It's possible that I wasn't thinking clearly."

"I know. I nearly threw up." Toby managed to eat a few bites. It wasn't too bad. "Chris is dead."

She put her fork down and rubbed her face. She suddenly looked old. "Are you glad?"

Toby wiped his mouth. "No, but I bet you were. He's the only man that could tempt you away from Jesus."

"Tobias, that isn't accurate." Sister Pete put on her nun face, and Toby knew he was right. She had been glad, relieved, and she had cringed when Stabler had walked into her life. This was all about her. She gave up on the food, pushing the plate away. "I'm still a nun."

"The flowers were from you." Toby knew it was true. "You left flowers for Chris. Sister, I think you need to work this out with your psychologist and leave me alone."

She folded her hands neatly. "That doesn't excuse you from responsibility to Detective Stabler. Don't fall into the same trap with him as you did Chris."

"That's not possible. Stabler only looks like Chris. The resemblance stops at the skin." Toby kept eating. He was finishing his lunch, even if she wasn't. "You met him. Were you so busy staring that you didn't listen? He's my parole officer. He wanted to meet my shrink from prison - you. I wish I wasn't so certain that you told him to ditch me."

"I can see that you're angry again."

"You make it so easy." Toby sighed. "I care for you, but please don't screw this up for me. A few years and I'll be free, really free."

Sister Pete dug some money out of her purse and put it on the table. "I won't tell anyone about him. Don't mindfuck Stabler, Toby."

"Ouch. Are you sure you're a nun?" Toby smirked. She left with all her righteous indignation intact. Toby sighed. He never should have forgiven her, but he had the feeling that he'd never hear from her again. That might be a good thing. Chris would always stand between them, and it shouldn't have been that way.

"Need a ride home?"

Toby looked up in surprise and frowned. "No. I can get a cab."

Stabler slid into the booth and turned his beautiful smile on the waitress. She blushed and hurried over. Toby had to laugh. He ordered dessert while she was there. Stabler got the special and helped her clear the table. He was so nice. Toby wanted to hit him with his cane.

"How was Sister Pete?"

"Stabler, I've never seen her like that. She's mad as hell, and I think she's pissed at God, not me." Toby pointed at the sky. "She actually cursed at me."

"A nun? She'll confess." Stabler loosened his tie. "Did she love him?"

"Probably. He was easy to love. And hate." Toby sipped his Coke, still no bourbon in it, damn it. He wanted to tell Stabler that Sister Pete knew his dirty, little secret. He'd have to be subtle. "She seemed upset that you give one damn about me."

"I got that feeling too." Stabler shrugged. "Only you could know why."

Toby would have to think about it. The waitress delivered Stabler's food and a smile. There was also dessert for him, but it was an afterthought. Stabler started to eat. He was always hungry. Toby ate a little, drank a little, and tried not to stare at him. "Did you have to check up on me?"

"I was hungry!" Stabler protested. "And we cleared the Kingly case, thanks to you."

"You did?" Toby was surprised and relieved. "You'd have seen it, but I'm glad."

Stabler pushed his plate to the side. "Since I dated her, I doubt it."

"You got lucky?" Toby lifted his hand when he saw the clenched jaw. "Stop. Forget I asked. I'm sorry for what happened."

"Thanks." Stabler looked at Toby's dessert, pulled it over, and ate it. Toby didn't know whether to laugh or smack him. Stabler raised his eyebrow. He was in a good mood. It was startling.

Toby almost preferred the growly version of Detective Stabler. It was safer. Toby caught the eye of the waitress, flashed some cash, and took the bill. He left her a nice tip. She had made ten trips to the table, most of them to flirt with Stabler, but what the hell.

"Ready?" Toby found his cane and got up. Stabler was right there with him, and they went out to the car. "Can I drive?"

"You're not funny." Stabler got in and started the car. "If you don't shut up, I'll use the siren."

"God no, not that." Toby shuddered. "A cab would have been great."

"Good luck getting one out here." Stabler got them moving, and he was in a hurry. Toby knew why. A two hour lunch would make Cragen's eyes bleed. Stabler glanced at him. "I hope you got Oz out of your system."

"I need to talk to Father Mukada," Toby stated firmly. "I'll call him, but if he wants to talk in person, I'm going."

"No. You're not." Stabler shook his head. "Your children rely on you to be alive at the end of the day. I take that seriously."

Toby wanted to be pissed off. He did. Stabler should butt the fuck out of Toby's life.

"Turn off the vein."

Toby rubbed his forehead angrily. "You're busting my balls for nothing."

"I wonder if your dad would agree," Stabler said.

Toby gripped the cane tightly. The potential for violence that lurked inside him wanted out in a big way. Violence was a part of every man, but Oz had refined and honed his, and it ached to beat someone. He wouldn't do it, but he wanted to, and it scared him. Stabler cut through traffic as if it was standing still. Toby had more chances of dying in this car than he did in Oz, but Stabler didn't see it that way. Saying nothing was better than cursing, and Stabler didn't stop the car until they were at the station house. Toby got out and looked for a cab.

Stabler got in Toby's face. "Cragen wants you to work a few."

"Shit!" Toby wanted to go home, finish the case for Angus, and get it over to him. It was also safe there, and he wasn't feeling safe. He followed Stabler inside anyway. Lately, this was like a real job, and it sucked. Benson smiled at them, and Toby tried to lock down his emotions. He wasn't very good at it.

"Elliot, your roommate looks upset."

"Yeah. He can get over it." Stabler sat down at his desk. Toby twirled his cane. It was a warning that any fool could see, but he was careful not to hit anything. Stabler instantly got up and ripped it away from him. "I've had enough, Toby."

Toby watched the cane and forced his rage away. Hitting Stabler in this place would be tantamount to the death penalty. Stabler threw it under his desk and sat back down. Benson's eyes were wide, but she wasn't scared. Toby sniffed. "Fucker."

"Feeling's mutual." Stabler pointedly turned his attention to his computer.

"Beecher. My office."

Toby groaned. He had to quit this crappy job. He only limped a little on his way to the office, and he sat down heavily. "Hey, Captain."

"Stop fighting with Elliot and finish organizing those fives from last year. Okay?"

"I have a case for Angus that I'm working on."

"Does he pay you?" Cragen frowned, and it was obvious that he wasn't going to let Toby go home.

"Not really." Toby sighed. He leaned forward and rubbed his face. "Never mind. I'll work a few. One of these days I want you to tell me how you've put up with Stabler all these years."

"When I figure it out, I'll tell you. Go. Work. Pray that Fin and Munch return soon." Cragen pointed out the door. "And clean up Munch's computer. He was complaining that it was as slow as Hanukkah."

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir." Toby went to the locker room first. He pissed, washed his hands, and stared at his face in the mirror. Smoothing his damp hands through his hair, he wondered how he'd gotten here from where he started. He belonged in the hole, or at least in solitary, not working at a precinct for decent people who hadn't murdered other people. He supposed that this was his penance, and it seemed the very least he could do. Of course, there was no way he could make up for Andy, Hank, Metzger, Schillinger, and Chris. Was that everyone? He washed his hands again. Oh, he'd forgotten Adam, Ronnie, Mondo, and Shemin. There were probably more, but his brain didn't produce their names.

"You okay?" Benson's voice forced him out of Oz's cemetery.

Toby dried his hands. "I have to tackle Munch's computer. I was bracing myself."

She looked him over. "If you're sure."

"I am." Toby told his leg to shut up and got moving. He couldn't ever atone, no matter what he did, but he could try to do some good. It couldn't hurt.

*********

Stabler didn't even spare him a glance for the next two hours. Beecher was working, and he was quiet. It was enough.

"Where are you two with our latest vic?" Cragen asked.

Stabler looked at Benson. She answered, "We're thinking about taking another run at the father. He's been holding out on us."

"Good idea. Get him in here. Gently. No lawyers. Not yet."

Stabler happened to see Beecher roll his eyes. "No lawyers. Got it."

Benson got up and put on her coat. "Let's go."

Stabler started moving, but he took the time to grab the cane. He tossed it in the backseat of his car before turning on the engine.

"You like watching him limp?"

"It's got a shank in it. He can limp until his temper cools down." Stabler smiled. "Any arguments?"

"No." Benson shook her head. "Whatever happened today brought out the scary side of Toby."

"He met Sister Peter Marie for lunch near Oz, and she cursed at him." Stabler checked his notes and got the address. "Let's work."

"Right. You can worry about shanks later."

Stabler agreed with that, and he would.

********

Toby rubbed his eyes and sat down on his futon. He was too tired to think straight. Cragen had obviously lacked a personal assistant for years, and he'd gotten Toby at half-price. Toby leaned back and stared at the ceiling. That had been a piece of misguided altruism. He should have left Stabler to fend for himself with Huang. Oh well. Too late now.

"Can I ask you something?"

Toby nodded. He'd almost forgotten that Stabler was home. Almost. "Fire away."

"Do you like working down at the house?" Stabler was still in his tie, but he was starting to take it off.

"Barrels of fun. Like root canal without the happy gas." Toby stretched and took off his shirt. He was going to bed. "Why?"

"You did it for me, and I don't want you miserable on my behalf."

"Elliot, I'm tired. Sister Pete had my ass for lunch. She called me your prag and nothing but a loser, you drove me nuts, and then Cragen tried to kill me with paperwork. Could you go away?" Toby stood up and slipped off his khakis. When he looked again, Stabler was gone. Good. Toby needed to think, and it was impossible with Stabler and all his sexiness in the room. Laughing quietly, Toby pulled his blanket over his head and shut his eyes. Chris had been sex in a bottle, so fuckable. Stabler was more subtle, less overt, but still very sexy.

Toby tried to relax. He was tired enough to sleep through a shakedown. He heard Stabler in the bathroom. Stabler was going to help him figure out something for Chris. Stabler wouldn't like it, but he'd do it. Catholics stuck together, and Toby would use it to his advantage. He dropped off into sleep.

*********  
Stabler found the number in the memory and hit send.

"Angus Beecher."

"Angus, it's Elliot Stabler."

"Is there a problem with Toby?" Angus rushed out the words.

"No." Stabler paused to let him settle down. "I thought I'd stop by and take you out to lunch. Is today okay?"

Angus didn't rush out that answer. "Let me check. Yes. I'm free for lunch. Around noon?"

"I'll be there. I want to see where Toby's going to be working." Stabler had his excuse all ready, but he really wanted to meet Shaun Beecher. "Will Toby's uncle be available?"

"I'm sure he'll be here." Angus didn't sound happy about that. "Later."

Stabler shut his phone and looked over the file in front of him again. He wanted to meet Uncle Shaun. Sending him to prison wasn't possible, but putting the fear of it in him was doable.

********

Toby worked all morning, only quitting when he was finished. This case had been tricky, actually interesting, and he hoped they were all this good. Angus would win it, no doubt about that. Toby glanced at the clock and went to the fridge to get some lunch. After he ate, he'd bike over to the firm.

Maria cornered him in the lobby before he could touch his bike. "Senor Toby, today is the second and two apartments haven't paid the rent."

"Which two?"

"Yours." She blushed. "And the Muslims. I spoke to them. They said I was a woman and had no business handling money."

"I'll deal with it. Thank you." Toby smiled. "What pet did little Maria get?"

"She is still deciding. I have been to the pet store three times!" Maria laughed. "Tomorrow, we will do the bills?"

"I don't know how I ran this building before you." Toby unlocked his bike. "In the morning. I promise."

"Good." Maria held the door open for him. He got in the seat with only a small groan from his knee and started out. No rush. The city was always busy, and he paid close attention so a cabbie didn't kill him. The secretary at the firm recognized him this time, but only as a bike messenger and Toby didn't want to ruin his anonymity.

"Mr. Beecher is with someone, but I believe they're almost finished."

"I can leave it on his desk." Toby knew he was supposed to leave it with her, but if he did, Angus would yell at him. He knocked on the door before pushing it open. The look on Angus's face was priceless, and Toby saw why two seconds later. "Delivery."

Angus stood and waited while Toby unzipped his backpack. He handed it over with a smile and ignored Stabler. "See ya, bro."

"Wait." Angus tugged his tie. "I don't want you to think-"

"Doesn't matter what I think," Toby interrupted. He put his backpack on and shut the door behind him. He didn't want to know what his lawyer and his parole officer were colluding on, as long as Stabler had dropped in on Uncle Shaun.

"You again?"

Toby turned completely around. Uncle Shaun looked as if he'd been kicked in the balls, and his hands were shaking. Toby smiled. "I'm leaving. Angus is with a friend."

"I met him," Uncle Shaun choked out. "I'm not going to let you ruin me."

"I haven't done anything. I'm nothing but a useless drunk. Remember?" Toby never let the smile leave his face. "If you have problems, look elsewhere."

Uncle Shaun actually twitched. "I'm an old man."

"Retire." Toby's smile became a smirk. "Disappear with the pool boy." He hated this man as much as he'd loved his father. Uncle Shaun bit his lip and looked behind him. Stabler was there; his badge and gun prominent. He certainly made an impact. Toby got moving again. He didn't slow down until he was at Starbucks, enjoying a cup of coffee and reading his email. That little scene had been enormously satisfying. It didn't make up for the pain his mother had suffered or his slow spiral into alcoholism, but it was a start.

His phone rang, and he looked first to see who it was. "Yes?"

"Tobias, this is Father Mukada."

Toby felt time slow down. His gut twisted and he listened. The coffee near his hand cooled, and he said, "Thank you for calling."

"If you need to talk, I'm here." Father Mukada's voice was smooth and kind, but it didn't matter.

"Thank you," Toby said again lamely. He shut his phone, put it down on the table, and stared mindlessly at the screen in front of him. There were things he had to do, calls he had to make, but it all seemed very far away. His hand fumbled for his cold coffee and he drank it without thinking. She was dead. Oz had a way of killing people. The funeral was in three days. Her worldly possessions went to the church, but she had specified one thing would go to him. Father Mukada was sending it to him. What the hell could it be? A placard that said ‘guilt’ was Toby's best bet. He knew he should be crying, but it felt unreal. Not real. Not true. Their last words had been harsh, and now there was no time to make it right. Life sucked like that.

Toby got on his bike and went for a ride. The wind blew his hair back, and he felt a strange sense of relief. She was dead, and so many secrets died with her. A sudden breach of confidentiality could have ruined him, but that wasn't possible any longer. It was selfish and cold-hearted, but it was honest. He stopped his bike at the bench nearest his apartment building and got off to rub his leg. It ached, but it was much better. Trickles of grief played with him, and he let a few tears fall. There would be an empty space in his life without her. All those years rolled over him and he caught his breath. It had never been easy or simple, but in Oz he'd had damn little and some days her comfort had sustained him. The sun went down, and he still sat.

********

Stabler got home at eight. He wanted to change and have dinner at Cavanaugh's. For some reason, hanging out with Beecher didn't appeal to him tonight. Maybe it was the fact that Beecher wanted to shank him.

"Toby?"

No answer. Stabler sighed and made the call. He listened to the information, changed clothes, and headed to the park. Beecher was that mad? It seemed ridiculous, but there he was on his bench. He looked stoned, and he better not be. Stabler sat down next to him. "What's up, Beech?"

"Sister Pete is dead," Beecher said with almost no trace of emotion in his voice. "I was sitting here thinking was all."

Stabler instantly assumed the worst. "Who killed her?"

"It was a heart attack. She didn't suffer, or so Father Mukada said." Beecher stood up and stretched. "When did it get dark?"

Stabler started pushing the bike towards home. "You rode a long ways today."

"I had to stop running some time." Beecher limped along just behind him. "The funeral is Saturday. I'm going alone."

Stabler didn't say the first words that popped into his head. He waited until the bike was chained to the radiator to change the subject. "I was going to Cavanaugh's. Want to come?"

"No. I'd drink the place dry." Beecher started up the stairs. He didn't look back. Stabler frowned after him. Beecher could never seem to catch a break. "Oh, and pay your rent, asshole!"

Stabler sighed and rubbed his forehead. He had forgotten again. A part of him still waited for Kathy to do it. He'd go get some burgers and come back. Beecher would need a friend tonight, someone to lock the door and keep him sober.

********

Toby looked around at the familiar faces and hoped he didn't look as guilty as he felt. Guilt was such a stupid emotion. He hadn't done anything, lately, but it didn't matter. Her death wasn't on him. He told himself that twice. Thank God that Stabler had reluctantly agreed to stay away. Querns would have had him in the hole, regardless of that badge.

"Tobias!"

Toby smiled at Father Mukada. It was a weak one, but it was there. "Father. Good to see you."

"A sad day but I'm glad you're here. She would have wanted it that way." Father Mukada reached inside his overcoat. The bishop had done the service, not him. "This is for you."

"I thought you were mailing it."

"I changed my mind. I knew I'd see you here." Father Mukada pressed it into Toby's hand. "She went to confession the day before she passed."

Toby blinked away the tears and gripped it tightly. "She was never a sinner."

"That's what I told her." Father Mukada smiled sadly. "Her work was done. Someone will pick up where she left off."

"I hope so." Toby worried about the money. He didn't want Querns to get his hands on it. Angus had promised to look into it, and he was the best one for that job. "Father, you knew Chris better than some."

"Yes." Father Mukada nodded. "Walk with me."

Toby was glad he had his cane. The ground was uneven and mushy. They made their way across the cemetery. Everyone was getting in their cars, and he'd have to call a cab. "I want to do something to remember Chris by, something positive."

"I understand." Father Mukada nodded. "No one is all bad, and you loved him."

"I did." Toby stopped and stared down at the St. Dismus medal in his hand. All these years, she'd had it. Later, he might feel angry about that. "What can I do?"

"Listen to your heart. What would Chris like?"

"For me to open a bar with his name in blinking lights," Toby said with a grin. "With lots of pole dancers."

"Think of something better." Father Mukada looked back at the gravesite. "I always felt like we let him down when he needed us the most."

"We did." Toby wasn't going to lie. He watched the cars begin to pull away. Everyone was heading to Oz. "How are you getting back?"

"With the bishop." Father Mukada shrugged. "I did my time in the confessional booth over Chris. Let me know if I can help."

"I will." Toby would. He shook Father Mukada's hand, and they went opposite directions. Before he could pull out his cell phone to call for a cab, he spotted Stabler's car. Stabler never listened. Toby put the medal on, tucked it away, and started for the car. A sense of peace stole over him. She had gone on to a better place, and he would find a way to make a difference in Chris's name.

*********

Stabler fully expected Beecher to curse at him, but that was okay. He didn't expect what he got.

"Thanks for driving out here." Beecher fumbled briefly with his cane and the seat belt.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Stabler said, and he should have said it before, but he hadn't because of the stony look on Beecher's face.

"Thank you." Beecher pushed his hair back. "Take me to the nearest bar."

"I've always liked your sense of humor." Stabler eased out onto the dirt road that wound through the big cemetery. "Who were you talking to?"

"Always the detective. That was Father Mukada." Beecher started taking his tie off. "I guess you would say he's a good priest."

"Then why is he at Oz?" Stabler knew enough about the church to know that the bishop didn't send anyone to the prisons that he was fond of.

Beecher shrugged. "Who's your patron saint?"

Stabler blinked at the question. "That's personal information." He didn't like talking about religion. It was like sex. Do it, but don't discuss it. "But, it's St. Michael."

"Of course. I should've guessed that." Beecher opened the first two buttons of his shirt. "I was raised Episcopalian. We're so damn dull."

"With a name like Beecher, I figured you for Lutheran." Stabler pulled out on the highway and got up to speed. He was in no hurry today. It was Saturday and his day off.

Beecher was studying his cane. "Is there something illegal I could do that wouldn't get me in trouble with you?"

Stabler didn't laugh. He thought about it. "I could drop you at the race track."

"What a waste of money and it's legal." Beecher shook his head. "I think I'll find a whore."

Stabler rolled his eyes. That was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard. "How about I duct tape you to the floor and we wait until the insanity passes?"

"That would be new. Last time you used your cuffs." Beecher turned on the radio. He usually did. Stabler just kept driving. It was going to be a long day, and he'd make sure to put his cuffs in his back pocket when they got home, just in case.

********

Toby changed into jeans and a T-shirt. He fingered the medal and decided to wear it. It would remind him to keep his promise to Chris about not forgetting him. Stabler was watching TV when Toby left his room. It was Saturday and staring at Stabler the rest of the day sounded pretty dismal, unless he was naked.

"This week sucked from start to finish." Toby went to the window to stare out. It was a nice day for a bike ride or a run. "Absolutely sucked."

"It did have its ups and downs." Stabler walked over and stared out with him. Toby glanced over at him and had a flasback. It made him quiver. Stabler must have noticed. "Anything I can do?"

Toby couldn't help but smile at the simple words that helped heal his heart. He shrugged. "Are you going to see your kids today?"

"Yep. They'll be here in about an hour. I'm taking them out to eat and to a movie." Stabler kept his eyes on the park. "Kathy is going to a Broadway show."

"Can I go with her?" Toby put his hand on the glass.

Stabler nodded. "Sure. Maybe she likes lawyers more than cops."

Toby sighed. "We're a couple of sad fucks."

"Does seem that way." Stabler laughed. "You more than me."

"What did you and Angus talk about?" Toby had sat on the question most of the week, but he wanted to know.

"Not much really. He's hired another lawyer. He wanted to complain about the driver's license one more time. I toured the office and talked to your uncle."

"Yeah. Uncle Shaun." Toby found his gaze wandering to Stabler's bulge. "That tasted sweet."

Stabler pursed his lips and frowned. "He did it."

"He sure as fuck did. Thank you for what you did."

"I figured I owed you, busting your hump for half-pay, and Cragen giving you all the dirty work."

Toby nodded. "That's true. You do owe me. I'm going to collect later tonight. Okay?"

"I figured we'd be square."

"Think again." Toby smiled at him in the reflection of the glass. "Did you pay the rent?"

"Gave it to Maria. Did you deal with the Muslims?" Stabler must have weaseled the information out of her.

"I gave them a few more days." Toby didn't much care. "There was a random search. Things went missing."

Stabler turned away. He went back to the TV. "It happens. You sure they're not jerking you around? They don't like you."

"Two of three of them don't have a problem with me. That's enough, and it's their first time. How many times have you been late?"

"I get busy!" Stabler protested.

Toby abandoned the window, got a bottled water, and sat on the couch near him. "Hey, kiss me once or twice."

Stabler gave him a look that said no. "The sun is up."

"We could get in the closet." Toby laughed and leaned into him. Stabler cautiously put his arm around him. The TV droned on, and Toby didn't watch. Stabler felt good and smelled good, and Toby knew that he was a bitch in heat tonight. All the pain had settled out into lust. Typical. He was such a loser. Well, Stabler would push him away. That was a given. The kids would see to that. It was really for the best. When he was like this, bad things happened. Toby edged away and then got up. The lack hurt, but one more second and he was going to rub Stabler's crotch.

"Where ya going?"

"I thought I'd lift weights and then go find dinner somewhere." Toby hesitated. "Why?"

"You can go with us." Stabler was serious. "The twins are a handful and any help is appreciated."

Toby considered it. He liked Stabler's kids, but he felt raw after this week, and he might curse or something. "No. Thanks. My mouth might get me in trouble."

"Think about it." Stabler turned his gaze back on the TV. He was good at giving Toby space. His wife had been a lucky woman, but she had never known it. So what that he never went home? Toby didn't lift. He got out his laptop and opened his email. There were three new ones and one from Sister Pete. He opened it with a heavy heart.

_Toby,_

_I was too harsh. I know you can handle this, just be careful with your heart. Come see me soon. I have something for you._

_Sister Pete_

Toby didn't cry. All he felt was a wave of pure relief. She hadn't been angry with him when she died, and he would have forgiven her. She really could rest in peace, and he could live that way. He sighed softly and saved the message to his hard drive. The next message was from Angus.

_Toby,_

_Uncle Shaun quit the firm. Can you hear the bells ringing and angels singing? Call me soon. I'm sorry about Sister Pete._

_Love, Angus_

Now Toby smiled. That was great news, and even if profits did take a dip, Angus would have the freedom to take the firm in the right direction. The last email was spam, and he deleted it without bothering to open it.

"Funny email?"

"Someone is always selling Viagra." Toby grinned at him. "Something you sure as fuck don't need!"

"Tobias!" Stabler slapped the cushion on the sofa.

Toby giggled. He hated it when he did that, but he was stressed. "I may need it to keep up with you."

"Shut up!" Stabler grabbed a book and threw it at him.

Toby knocked it down. "Too slow." He laughed. Chris had been able to clock him with a book, at first. Toby shut down his laptop and stuffed it under the chair. He had to find something to do before he begged Stabler to drop his jeans.

"Quit staring and licking your lips."

"Oh fuck. Sorry." Toby pushed his hard cock to a better position in his jeans. "Okay. I'm going out. Don't wait up. I'll take my phone, but for fuck's sake, don't call."

"You need to work on your impulse control." Stabler was serious. "This is what gets you into trouble. Take some deep breaths and try to calm down."

"How would you know?" Toby shouted. His control snapped that fast. He was out of his chair and moving towards him. Being shoved chest down on the couch and cuffed was a shock. "What the fuck?"

Stabler jerked him up, took him to his futon, and shoved him flat. "You're in lockdown."

Toby struggled until he was sitting. "Elliot!"

"Settle down, Toby." Stabler shut the door behind him. Toby didn't bother to tug on the cuffs. That would hurt. He took a deep breath. Getting the door open with his hands cuffed behind him would be tricky, but he could do it. Of course, Stabler would just shove him back and cuff him to the weight set. Fuck!

Toby slumped over and tried to breathe. One good thing: his hard-on was gone. So gone. He shut his eyes and took another deep breath. He could do this. Stress had pushed him to craziness. Too much death and Chris. Another breath. The St. Dismus medal worked its way out of his shirt and plunked onto his face. Chris would be laughing his ass off.  
"Damn it, Chris. Tell me what you want me to do!" Toby rolled off the futon and hit the floor. It kinda hurt, but he didn't care. Chris had kept Toby company for years. Where the fuck was he? Toby banged his head on the floor. Oh yeah. Chris hadn't been real. He'd been a manifestation of Toby's subconscious. Well, Toby needed his subconscious back. He laughed softly. Damn, he was fucked up. He stared at the carpet and tried to think. Strip bar? He could pimp out some whores. No. That hadn't been Chris, not completely.

Toby heaved out a huge sigh of frustration. Here he was, lying on the floor cuffed and all he could think about was Chris. Shit. He should be worrying about Stabler. Well, fuck that. Stabler would get over it. Toby shut his eyes. He couldn't even see Chris anymore, just the big detective. That was the problem. Chris had faded out as Stabler had taken over Toby's life. Even Vern didn't come around much, which was a good thing.

"Wait one second!" Stabler was right outside the door

Toby didn't wiggle around so he could see. Stabler pulled him up and put him on his feet. There was at least one small face watching. "Dickie, out!"

"I thought Toby was your friend!"

"He's in timeout. Dickie, give me a minute."

"Wow, and I thought my timeouts were bad." Dickie disappeared though.

Toby was pushed back to sitting on the futon. "Thanks. I fell."

"Are you finished?" Stabler put his hands on his hips.

"Definitely. I will never talk about that stuff in the daytime again. I swear." Toby blinked innocently up at him. "Never ever."

"Smart ass. I'm talking about your temper." Stabler sighed and pulled out the key. "You under control?"

"Yes. I am chastened. This was fun. Brings back lovely memories." Toby grunted as Stabler shoved him around and took the cuffs off. "Thanks."

"Come with us or stay home. Those are your choices."

"That sucks." Toby rubbed his wrists. He had no idea what to do.

"And clean up your mouth!" Stabler put his finger in Toby's face. "Which is it?"

"I'll go. I can talk trash with Dickie." Toby grabbed his jacket. "Did you throw out my cane?"

"I should have." Stabler followed him out the door. "It's like having five kids."

Toby didn't smile at the horde of Stabler children. They were all staring. He frowned and said, "What?"

Dickie smiled. "What'd you do to get a timeout?"

Little brat. Toby shrugged. "I said a dirty word. Don't curse around your dad. He doesn't like it."

''No kidding." Dickie laughed and headed for the door. Toby found his cane and followed them all out. He had lost his mind, and there was no getting it back.

********

Stabler put his kids in the car with Kathy and stepped back to the sidewalk. He loved his kids, but he was exhausted. Kathy had been gloating, and it was ugly, almost as ugly as her date had been.

"That went well," Beecher said. "Can we do it again next weekend, Daddy?"

Stabler nearly kicked the cane away. He shook his head. "I don't think your timeout is over."

"Shit!" Beecher opened the outside door with his key. He didn't exactly wait, and Stabler caught up with him on the stairs. Beecher looked over at him. "I did have a good time, and I didn't curse."

"Shit is a curse word." Stabler had enjoyed the evening, and Beecher had behaved. Hopefully, he had burned off his attitude. Stabler got the apartment door, and Beecher put his cane in the corner.

"I promise not to shank your ass tonight."

"That's a relief." Stabler grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped it. "What's with the necklace? You aren't Catholic."

Beecher looked down and then tucked it away. "Sister Pete willed it to me."

"St. Dismus, huh? Let me see, which one was he?" Stabler took a drink. Beecher looked almost guilty which was a bad sign. Stabler nodded. "Patron saint of prisoners. Got it in one."

"So?"

"Oh, come on, Toby." Stabler sat down on the couch. He still had his cuffs in his back pocket. "Sister Pete? That wasn't hers."

"She had it though." Beecher took over the chair. "You're a detective. Figure it out."

"It was Keller's." Stabler had known it when he spotted it. "He was an altar boy. He had faith, even if he lost it."

Beecher spread his hands. "Nice work. So what?"

"You still love that psychopath. I don't get it." Stabler drank some more beer. He should probably keep his mouth shut, but Keller was usually in the room with them, so what did it matter?

"I promised him that I wouldn't forget him." Beecher pulled the necklace out and rubbed it. "He was afraid that he was nothing but a boil on God's ass."

"He was." Stabler knew that was true. "Nothing you do can change who he was."

Beecher slumped. "I know that. I just want to do something that recognizes the fact that he wasn't all bad. He loved me, even though I'm a piece of shit, and he never quit on me. Yes, I'm fully aware of how stupid that is."

Stabler felt his jaw clench. "Don't talk about yourself that way. Fine. Do something. Build Keller a wing on a hospital. Give free legal advice to psychopaths. Help fund Victim's Services."

Beecher stared at him. The silence stretched. Stabler thought he might have to cuff him again, but the vein wasn't popping out, not yet. Beecher tilted his head to the side. "Victim's Services?"

Stabler dug out a business card. "These people. They help the survivors, for free."

"Free?"

"Free. They're chronically short-staffed and overworked." Stabler stuffed his wallet away and drank some more beer. "Maybe instead of giving out small amounts here and there you should set up a foundation. Get serious about donations. You have the juice to get the big guns behind you."

"The Keller Foundation. I like it." Beecher furrowed his brow. "It sounds like another job."

"You're bored half the time. Use the internet. It's what you're good at." Stabler turned on the TV. "Now shut up about it while I watch the news."

"Why do I love you?" Beecher asked and wandered out of the room. Stabler wasn't going to answer that. He didn't really believe it. Like, yes. Love, no. Beecher had been lonely too long. That's all it was. He would always love Keller, a prick who hadn't deserved it. Stabler finished his beer. What a day. He was going to need another one of these.

********

Toby undressed, put his phone on the charger, and tried to think clearly. Could he do it? Probably. Should he do it? Probably. It might take a couple of years to get it up and running, but he had time. Chris would like it. His name, doing good things. Stabler was smart, even if he was a jerk. Toby slipped on some sweats and went to take out his contact lenses. It had been a long day, but it was over, and he had a few answers.

Stabler would watch all of the news, and Toby went back out to him. "I'm going to bed."

"Good."

"Geez." Toby gave up. He was not getting laid. "I was being polite." He padded to his room and shut the door. Sitting down, he rubbed his knee and put the lamp on low. He didn't blame Stabler for kicking him out, but it still didn't feel all that good. He was occasionally crazy, and Stabler had known that. Toby grabbed the hand weights and worked his biceps. He would do it. A foundation was a good idea, and he could funnel profits from the building into it, after he paid the bills. Maria would see to that. He smiled and switched arms. Some good had come out of this day. He was sorry he'd lost his temper, but he wasn't apologizing again.

Stabler pushed open the door. "Sorry I snapped at you. It was a long day."

"It was. Thanks for cuffing me. I go a little crazy every once in while, which you knew when you signed on for this five year voyage!"

Stabler raised his hands. "I did know it. I figured I could cuff you until you calmed down. It worked."

"I'll try harder to stay sane." Toby rolled the weight away. "Out. Go. Get."

Stabler nodded. "Since we had a crappy day overall, one more thing: stop saying you love me. It's a bunch of bullshit, and I don't need to hear it."

Toby's mouth dropped open. He clicked his teeth together and ground out, "Well. Okay. Sorry. I won't burden you with the truth."

"You love Keller, not me!"

Toby got to his feet and walked over to him. "That's a lie, and you know it. I loved Chris, but I love you too. You're like apples and oranges. Forget it though. It don't mean shit."

Stabler put his hands on his hips and lowered his head. "Love is stupid. It doesn't come easy, and you're in love with everyone!"

Toby shook his head. He couldn't believe this. "I've been cursed with two loves, and unfortunately they share the same face. Now get out before you need those cuffs again."

"What about your wife?"

"What about her?" Toby didn't understand why Stabler wasn't leaving. He lashed out with words he knew would hurt him. "Sister Pete told me your little secret that you love me. No chance in hell you'd ever admit it to me!"

Stabler turned an ugly shade of red. "I never said that!"

Toby abruptly sat down on the futon and laced his hands behind his head. He pulled and rocked. This was all too much, too complicated, and it didn't matter because Stabler had made up his mind that Toby couldn't love him. Toby wondered if putting up with Natalini would have been this hard.

"Hey. Don't go nuts on me." Stabler sat down next to him and rubbed his back. "I know it was a rough week."

Toby quivered. He felt so much and couldn't think of thing to say that didn't include the words fuck and you. Stabler pulled him closer. Toby took a deep breath. "Take me to bed and comfort me or get out. Please. I don't care which."

Stabler gave him a fast hug and stood. "Get some sleep. We'll talk in about a week when we're both thinking straight."

Toby didn't watch him leave.

********

Stabler went to get another beer. It couldn't hurt. He actually looked at the contract posted on the fridge for a change. Gingerly, he took it off, careful not to tear it. He sat at the counter and read it again. Why had he done this? He had to be honest with himself, and it wasn't easy. He had been so sure on that day that it was the right thing to do. Part of him had assumed they'd fall into a rhythm, but so far it had been nothing short of chaos. He'd never intended for Beecher to go to bed with him, not on a regular basis. He sipped his beer and looked at the papers again. By signing this, he'd declared his intentions, even if he hadn't realized it at the time or admitted it. Beecher had to have thought that. Five years is a long time.

"Giving me the boot?" Beecher walked behind him and opened the fridge. He just stared.

Stabler watched him drool over the beer. "Just thinking. This seemed like a good solution, but you haven't been all that happy."

"Don't be an ass. I love it here." Beecher shut the door. "Kiss?"

"You want to taste my beer." Stabler shook his head. "I never meant to coerce you into bed with me."

Beecher laughed. "I know. If you had of, I'd be getting fucked occasionally!"

"Damn, you're rude." Stabler drank some more beer. Beecher just watched. He was still drooling. Stabler put the beer down. "I can get Natalini to lay off you."

Beecher sighed and slumped. "Fine. Do it. If it's all you can live with."

"You expect me to quit you." Stabler intentionally used Beecher's words.

"I know I'm a bitch and a pain in the ass." Beecher headed for his bedroom. He paused right before the door. His sky blue eyes were sad. Stabler hated this pity party that Beecher threw on a semi-annual basis.

"Oh shut up with that shit." Stabler took a long drink and finished his beer. That was his last one. He was about ready to make a bad decision. He tossed the bottle in recycling and went to Beecher's room. "I think I like you crazy more than the pity party."

"They seem to go hand in hand." Beecher grinned. "Don't worry. I'm still nuts."

"I'm relieved." Stabler took the biggest leap of his life. It made signing up for military service look like nothing. He held out his hand and was glad it didn't shake. "I love you. Let's go to bed."

Beecher narrowed his eyes.

"And we're never discussing this again. Well, not until our five years is up. At that point, we'll talk."

"I get this and then another talk in five years?" Beecher didn't look angry.

"It's all I got to offer." Stabler hoped Beecher made up his mind soon.

"I'll take it." Beecher reached and grabbed on tight. "I love you, Elliot."

Stabler winced. He'd never get used to that. "I get it. Keep it to yourself." He pulled and started for his bed. Beecher followed after him. The hardest part was over.

********

Toby took what he thought was his side of the bed and lay down with a soft groan. He was completely tired now. Stabler's words played again in his mind and he savored them. For some people, it wouldn't seem like much, but it was huge coming from Stabler. It meant more than anyone could understand.

"You gonna wear that necklace forever?"

"Probably." Toby wasn't backing down on that. "Do you really care?"

"I'll get it blessed by the bishop. You need all the help you can get." Stabler curled into Toby's backside. "Go to sleep."

Toby didn't have a problem with that. For once, he didn't want it. Not tonight. It would be wrong after such a difficult day to end it by pretending that none of it mattered except the sex. He shut his eyes and breathed. The day played out against his eyeballs.

"You sure Dickie is your boy?"

Stabler gave him a gentle smack. "Yes!"

"He's smart. What kind of college fund do you have set up for him?" Toby yawned.

"I have four kids on a cop's salary."

"We'll work on it." Toby put it on his list of things to do. "He has the makings of a fine lawyer."

Stabler chuckled in Toby's ear. "Over my dead body."

Toby fell asleep.

*********

Stabler woke up nice and easy. He stretched and bumped into a warm body. "Toby," he whispered. He knew it, and it didn't feel strange.

"Five more minutes, Mom."

Stabler hesitated to do what his dick was suggesting, but he also wanted to move and take it. Not ask. Demand. And find out if Beecher could match him. He slipped his hand down Beecher's side.

"Where'd you hide the lube?" Beecher still hadn't opened his eyes.

Stabler didn't hear any reluctance. He suddenly ached for it, and he rolled off the bed to get the lube. "Condom?"

"It broke. Too late." Beecher shrugged. "We're clean."

Stabler wasn't completely sure, but he returned to the bed with only the lube. He didn't want to be gentle. He wanted to make sure Beecher remembered him all day.

"Stop glowering." Beecher pulled him down. "Turn it loose. I can take it."

Stabler did just that.

********

Toby had been caught in a tornado of passion before, but it had been awhile, and he'd forgotten. He'd forgotten the ache, the too hard touches that would bruise, the kisses that seared him to his soul, and his own desire to disappear inside the storm that raged over him.

It would have been easy to panic, even run. He'd known it lurked inside Stabler, but knowing it and living through it were two different things. Stabler didn't talk or give any kind of commands. He simply did what he wanted and needed, expecting Toby to understand. Toby got it. He could anticipate, meet it, and ask for more. There was nothing he wouldn't do, and he didn't slack off until Stabler stopped.

"Enough?" Toby gasped.

"For now." Stabler held him close and kissed him. "We need a shower."

Toby didn't think his legs would hold him. He'd been taken to his last inch, and he thought Stabler knew it. A shower sounded good though. He ran his hands over Stabler again and let himself gloat.

"You go start the shower. I'll get the coffee going." Stabler eased away, and Toby's hand trailed off that beautiful backside. Toby stretched and put his feet on the floor. He was going to need a nap today. Rubbing his knee, he fumbled down the hallway to the shower. The water did feel good, but Stabler showed up fast to steal it all.

"Give me a drop or two," Toby said dryly.

Stabler moved farther under the faucet. "Did I do that?" He gently touched a place on Toby's back.

Toby didn't have to look. "With your teeth. Yeah." He shivered. "It was great."

"I guess I got carried away."

"Finally." Toby used the soap as an excuse to start touching Stabler everywhere. It was all good. He smiled, but he saw the frown on Stabler's face. "It was consensual."

"I was rough. I'm never-"

"It was exactly what I needed," Toby interrupted. "I was enthusiastic. Remember?"

Stabler still looked concerned. He suddenly jumped. "Hey!"

"I'm just washing you." Toby grinned. "Enjoy the slavish attention I'll pay to details."

"Easy on the details," Stabler growled. He caught Toby's face in a grip and kissed him hard. Toby felt his tired body try to respond. He groaned softly, and Stabler's hands slid down and around.

"Oh, fuck," Toby whispered. He wanted to do this again. "It's got to be your turn!"

Stabler shrugged and kissed down him. Toby didn't even flinch as Stabler eased a finger inside him because Stabler's mouth was more important. Stabler hadn't, not yet, but he was getting ready to, and Toby couldn't feel the water hitting him any longer. He choked off some curse words and wished he could sit down. Stabler wasn't rough, but he wasn't, quite, gentle, and the combination of mouth and finger made Toby giddy. Damn.

Toby drowned in the sensations until the very last second. "I'm gonna come."

Stabler pulled his mouth away, but kept his finger deep. Toby gasped as Stabler turned him and replaced his finger with his cock in one upward push.

"Fuck!" Toby lost it. Stabler's hand worked him, and his come hit the wall. Toby would have fallen, but Stabler kept him up, barely moving his hips. Shutting his eyes, Toby tingled and moaned. He sank into lassitude as Stabler orgasmed inside him.

"Damn," Stabler whispered and held him tight. They didn't move much until the water turned cold. Stabler cursed, "Shit! I'm gone."

Toby laughed and watched him scramble out. "I'll be out in a minute."

"It's cold!"

"I'm used to it." Toby cleaned himself and stood with his face directly in the water. He'd never been loved like that, and it shook him, in a good way. He snapped off the cold water and managed to find a towel. By the time he limped, shivering, out of the bathroom, Stabler was dressed and sitting with a cup of coffee. Toby felt slightly offended. "Bring me some, will ya?"

"If I have to," Stabler drawled. His eyes bored through Toby's naked flesh. Toby headed for his closet. He rubbed his arms and tried to find his brains. Clothes. Yeah. He had them. Pulling on some briefs and jeans, he took the coffee gratefully. It was hot, but he sipped it anyway.

"Thanks, prick."

Stabler looked inside Toby's closet. "When are you going to wear your leather pants for me?"

"Fucking never." Toby laughed. He shivered and put the coffee on the weight bench. Stabler threw him a sweatshirt, and he put it on immediately, better.

"Cold water? You're nuts."

"I didn't say I like it. If you didn't move quick at Oz, all the hot water would be gone."

Stabler shrugged. "I bet Quern's hot tub has heated water."

"I'm sure it does." Toby laughed. He got his coffee and followed Stabler back out to the TV. "I'm going to fix breakfast. I'm starved."

"I'll help." Stabler picked up the judge's ruling that had lain on the cabinet all night. "I'm going to put this in the safe."

Toby nodded. He didn't care. "You can make the rules as we go along."

Stabler gave him a crooked smile. "Glad to hear you're staying." He walked off with the contract. Toby got out the eggs. He couldn't help but laugh.

*********

Stabler clipped his gun on his belt and hung his badge around his neck. "You gonna hang around here?"

"Pretty much. I need to call Angus, and I want to do some research on the internet." Beecher stifled a yawn. "And a nap sounds good."

"Lazy." Stabler went over to him. Beecher was staring out the window, as usual, and he didn't turn around. Stabler put his hand on Beecher's shoulder. "You can go out."

"I know." Beecher smiled, and it was the smile that was real, not forced. "I will later."

"Good. Take your phone." Stabler gave him a squeeze and headed for work. Beecher was still at the window when Stabler looked up from the sidewalk. Stabler threw him a wave. Beecher put his hand against the glass. He was going to be fine. Stabler knew it. He sat in his car quietly for just a moment before starting it. He'd said it. He meant it. He did love Beecher. _Toby_. And it would get him through the harshness of the day.

********

Toby watched the car pull away. He took his hand off the glass and rubbed his necklace. Something that he was unfamiliar with crept over him and left him breathless. In all his years, he couldn't remember feeling this way. Breath came back into his body and he realized he was free. Stabler loved him, and it would help him get through whatever the day threw at him. He smiled and turned away. It was time to go out into the world.  
********  
The End


End file.
